This is an answer to the short answer question(about one of my activities) in the common app.
I'm quite ready to revise this one, so I'll be glad to have any kinds of comments! (word limit-150)
"Hello? I'm calling from Cafe Ti-amo. I think you are a good match with us. Can you work starting from tomorrow?"
One ordinary day, a brilliant idea struck me. If I could work at a cafe, I would be able to make money and read books at the same time, when there were no customers around. But as it turned out, every franchise-cafe had set the minimum age of employees at 18. Unwilling to accept that I had to give up my ambitions because of age, I dropped by every cafe in my town and gave them my resume. I explained why I was perfectly suited for the job, both mentally and physically. My hard work did pay off - I eventually got a call announcing that I had the job. I was able to reshape a small part of the world, at age of sixteen, by simply not giving in.
One ordinary day, a brilliant idea struck me. If I could work at a cafe, I would be able to make money and read books at the same time, when there were no customers around.
A brilliant idea? I dunno about that. People have thought about jobs where they could pursue other interests in the down time for a long, long time. I think of brilliant ideas as being those things that have far-reaching implications and this doesn't quite fit the definition there.
I was able to reshape a small part of the world, at age of sixteen, by simply not giving in.
This is a pretty broad statement. If you were to simply say,
my world instead of
the world, it would read better.
I know that this is short, but it still doesn't tell a whole lot about you. It shows perseverance, but it doesn't tell anything else about you. There are grammar errors, but I'll let others address those.
"Hello? I'm calling from Cafe Ti-amo. I think you are a good match with us. Can you work starting from tomorrow?"
=> I dunt know, but this sentence sounds a little bit awkward to me, somehow. Especially the red one I guess. I know you didn't quote the saying exactly, but you should make it sound more natural. ^^
And I agree that getting a job is not much of a too brilliant idea, maybe you could say, at the age of 16, the urge of making some money of your own grew stronger, and meanwhile, you could actually do some productive activities (like read books as u stated it), ect. Something like that, I dunt kno.
I explained why I was perfectly suited for the job, both mentally and physically.
=> this sentence is somewhat...weird too, both mentally and physically? Try to make it sound more coherent and fluent =]
Make this more YOU in tone or style. Because it doesn't give me much the impression of how different you are from the others. I'm not good at grammar, I'll try to see if I culd help. =P
Excellent!
Now, now Kevin. This is the type of advice that will get you suspended, *grin*
You know, actually you are right. I shouldn't give quick comments like that, because we are trying to encourage people to give thoughtful feedback instead of just faking so that they can get help without giving help. I'm a bad example!
I thought this was an alright essay, not too many grammatical mistakes but I didn't get a grasp of how this activity correlates to you accept for the fact you wouldn't take no for an answer. I mean, I believe that's a good topic to start on but you're not giving much insight into what you do on the job, how it affects you, why it's important, and why out of all your other activities did you choose to write about this one? Every essay is a chance to let your personality shine and I'm not getting it in this one
I agree with JS2010- it is a good topic to begin with but you need to elaborate more, give us more of your personality. Why were you mentally, physically prepared for the job?
Wow, all these comments were awesome!
I just re-worded the whole essay ..
I wanted to convey more specific ideas like you guys pointed out but it was really tough, mainly because of the word limit(150 words). This essay now has 154 words- any ideas how to shorten it?
Re-written essay :
"Hello? You're the one we've been looking for. Can you start working from tomorrow?"
One day, an idea of getting a job at a cafe struck me. I thought that it would be great to make money and learn to make coffee, at the same time. Unfortunately, every franchise cafe turned out to have set the minimum age of employees at 18. Unwilling to give up my ambitions because of age, I chose not to acquiesce. Instead, I dropped by every cafe in the town with copies of my resume and expounded upon the irrationality of age barrier; I kept on explaining that I was responsible enough, and physically no weaker than ordinary 18-year-olds. Finally, my hard work did pay off. One of the coffeeshops decided to repeal the age policy, and hired me. By simply not giving in, I was able to reshape a small part of the world, at age of sixteen.
Thank you again!
"Instead, I dropped by every cafe in the town with copies of my resume and expounded upon the irrationality of age barrier ..."
That is awkward, but I think it could be fixed just by including the word "an"