Caltech- "What are some quirky ways in which you have fun"

The prompt asks about a quirky way in which you have fun to see if you fit in the Caltech community so I wrote this about a game I play about building your own space program. I don't believe many people play the game and I know that the administrators at Caltech probably don't so I want some feedback from people who have no idea what the game is. The word limit is 200 and I'm currently at 219 so if anyone finds some words I can shave of please tell me. :)

The final, fifth stage engine fired up to full throttle, slowing the lone command capsule pointing in the retrograde position down to sub-orbital speeds with its mere fifty kilo-newtons of thrust. The capsule fell in its midst of red streaks down to ten kilometers above sea level and the parachutes opened. Alas, I have done it. Landing in the ocean are the first ever kerbonauts to land on extraterrestrial soil. Welcome to the world of Kerbal Space Program.

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Martin, there is nothing in the statement that tells me you are playing a game. It is almost like reading the middle of a creative writing assignment instead. So you need to revise the essay. Make sure that the reader will know right from the start that you are describing a game and that this is how you have quirky fun in your life. After you clarify the objective of the game and how it is played, then you can give a short example of how the game may end.It would be nice if you could also give a quick description of why and how you developed the game. It is always interesting to find out how the creative mind of a game-maker works. This is your opportunity to show Caltech how deep your analytical thinks and how precise your mind works when it comes to developing logical conclusion to complex scientific problems. I don't believe that we should cut out any words right now because the essay requires a total content revision. The word count will change once you do that. We can shave off some words after your statement finally meets the prompt.Good luck with your revision. I look forward to reading it. That is, if you actually decide to revise your statement :-)

Thank you for your feedback. I will try to make it far more clear in the beginning that I'm talking about a game and remove some of the details at the end that are most likely meaningless to the reviewer and attempt to add why I connect with it. Hope I can get a revised version tomorrow. :)

I have greatly tweaked the essay (especially the end). It now comes out to 197 words so there is some wiggle room for suggestions:

The final, fifth stage engine fired up to full throttle, slowing the lone command capsule pointing in the retrograde position down to sub-orbital speeds with its mere fifty kilo-newtons of thrust. The capsule fell in its midst of red streaks down to ten kilometers above sea level and the parachutes opened. Alas, I have done it. Landing in the ocean are the first ever kerbonauts to land on extraterrestrial soil. Welcome to the world of Kerbal Space Program, which is not just any computer game but an amazing simulation of running your own space program. From designing your own rockets piece by piece to calculating maneuvers, burns, and orbital incisions to juggling your space program's research, funds, and reputation, it's not for the faint-hearted. For me, this is more than a game, but a way to use science and mathematics to explore new worlds and make something happen. It's a place where I can use my intellect to find adventure and take risks, knowing that I am learning something new along the way. So when I am not busy studying my physics textbook or doing my astronomy homework, I am launching rockets up to hundred-tonne space station.

Thank You!

Martin, this is a fantastic essay! Even with the grammatical errors that I will be correcting later, I have to say, your quirky way of having fun is something that can interest everyone, even those who are not very interested in science, but are interested in blowing things up :-) Excellent revision. You captured the essence of your essay in a remarkably engaging way. I could almost imagine myself in the space station. Then I find out it is just a game and I actually want to get a copy of it :-) Engaging, definitely! Fun?Fantastic fun! Quirky? You bet :-)


- The capsule fell in the midst...streaks , down to


I have done it !


- the world of the Kerbal...



- It's a place where I can let my imagination run free, creating unique scenario's where the risk factors and results are unknown. It is a place where a scientific mind can take calculated but controlled risks with a harmless outcome regardless of the dire results...

I hope my suggestions blend well into your essay from your point of view :-)