I know this isn't great so please help. I also need some help cutting it down cause it's about 400 characters over the limit.
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I'm proud to say that I treat my cancer cells like a farmer treats his baby chicks. Every day I faithfully enter the subculture room where the cells are carefully incubated at 37o C, no less, no more, to feed them and wash their little houses, their flasks clean. But I'm running ahead of my story so let me take you back to the beginning.
It all started at a world research conference held to my great fortune in my research institute. I was relatively new to the lab world then and doubted the progress of cancer research. After all the money being poured in to cure it did not help my great-grandma or my grandma or thousands of others dying around the world from cancer at this minute. The high-ceiling lounge filled with researchers from across the US, China, UK, Italy and host of other countries, the ostentatious decorations and silverware, and the myriad of international foods only made confirmed my suspicions that cancer research must all be a charade to have a great international feast.
But in the midst of that fateful day, I saw a movie worthy of winning an Oscar. It only lasted fifteen second, but those picturesque black-and-white fifteen seconds stick with me to this day. Hordes of cancer cells proliferating within a channel in the body. Late stage cancer in a young child. Then thousands of nanoparticles arrive to the rescue slaying cancer cell upon cancer cell and the child is saved. The movie showed me that while cancer was indeed a great obstacle, it was not insurmountable.
This idea consumed me and I ran with it. Cancer really could be defeated. For months I was absorbed in the work of my own solution. Tirelessly day after long day I lingered to finish my own design of nanoparticles. Even my social life was in jeopardy at times, but that I could not relinquish. After long Indian family parties I made way to the lab in the midst of the dark night. My friend once jokingly asked "How do you manage to live at the lab?" and I replied "Well, the chem shower helps."
And so I faithfully entered the subculture room each and every day to curate my cells. Finally I my nanoparticles had been created and with desperate fury I added the pink concoction to the cells. Under the microscope, I could slowly see the cancer cells withering away and dying. A wide grin spreads across my face. I know I can do my part and contribute maybe not to cure cancer but to at least pass on the torch to my students who may pass it on to their own, one day eventually to cure the incurable.
Hi :) Your essay is pretty good. I would work on the intro... when I read it, I thought huh? Only because i had not read the rest yet.. so, that may be what you are going for anyway. I would give the essay more focus on the aspect of working in the lab. Most people don't know what that is like, so if you could be really descriptive it would make your essay interesting. The family stuff, and the film, not quite as interesting, but worth mentioning. I would maybe tell it like a little story "a day in the lab" Then explain how you are a very small part of the huge mass of people and businesses that focus on eradicating cancer. Say how this makes you feel, and how it relates to your future goals. Good luck in school :)
I agree, the intro is a bit amiss. You don't want readers to be confused on the opening sentence. I like the idea, just try to edit it so it is a little more understandable to a common reader.
Alright what do you think about it once the farmer analogy is removed?
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I'm proud to say that I treat my cancer cells meticulously as any cancer researcher should. Every day I faithfully enter the subculture room where the cells are incubated at precisely 37o C, no less, no more, to feed them and wash their little flasks clean. But I'm running ahead of my story so I shall take you back to the start.
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Also does the rest of my essay illustrate my personality well enough?
Anyone willing to take a look at my rewrite of the intro and telling me if the essay displays my personality well enough?
Thanks by the way Jennyflower and dealaus.
I think your re-write sounds great! I like the way it shows your personality- dedicated, concentrating on details, hard-working. And it show that you have a sense of humor :) There are a few places where you forgot commas, and I can pick out some small things that you may want to change.
However, t he troublesome cancerous cells however are quarantined in atheir own corner mini-fridge-looking incubator.They are kept isolated from the others byin a variety of lab machines, big and small.
How was I, a mere high school student, expected to cure cancer?
Why had they burdened me with such responsibility?
Who is they? This makes me curious, I know you don't have space to write all about what led you into this job, but I wonder: Who got you into working in the lab, was it a volunteer job or is it a paying job? Are you also attending school on the days while you work on this project? You sure do take it very seriously.
Yet while I may toil away my life in pursuit of the elusive cure and never reach it, I know I can always pass on the torch to my future student who will pass it on to his own and the cycle will continue till humanity is rid of this monstrous disease once and for all. For this I shall gladly enter the subculture room every day to feed and wash and curate these foul cancerous cells.
Your ending sounds like rambling. Try to create a solid ending by saying how the dedication and discipline that you practice in the lab will help you in school. These qualities will lead you on the path to a successful career.
