TELL US ABOUT WHO YOU ARE.
HOW WOULD YOUR FAMILY, FRIENDS, AND/OR MEMBERS OF YOUR COMMUNITY DESCRIBE YOU? IF POSSIBLE, PLEASE INCLUDE SOMETHING ABOUT YOURSELF THAT YOU ARE MOST PROUD OF AND WHY. (1500)
"Over the past few years, I've had the opportunity to meet and connect with a numerous amount of people. The many experiences that I have gone through have given me, as well as my peers insight into who I am as a person.
My peers have noticed that I am a capable leader. I believe that although independence is a crucial attribute, it is equally important for one to show leadership in group settings to bring out the best in others. In groups with a lack of involvement, I especially tend to collaborate and engage everyone to build stronger partnerships.
My friends and family have been made well aware of my curiosity as well, and can attest to that through my frequent bombardments of questions. In fact, being curious played a large role in my decision to pursue a career in science, and will continue to push me to investigate new concepts about life at UBC.
I'm proud that leadership was not always a skill that I had. With experience as an active member of the Royal Canadian Air Cadets, I have overcome the difficulty of public speaking significantly. Through my strengthened interpersonal skills, I have been able to provide more value to the community by helping manage a club, regularly providing assistance to teachers, and actively contributing to my community.
I feel that through leadership and curiosity, I can better myself and those around me. In my post secondary years and beyond, I hope to retain these two fundamental traits as I increase my contribution and sense of fulfilment."
I appreciate any feedback on this essay. I was thinking of removing the section about curiosity to expand/include an example of how I demonstrated leadership, and if I should tell a more personal story about my experiences in high school.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,447 4693
Do not lose sight of whose point of view is important here. While the second point of view response as the anchor sentence is correct, the writer counters this statement by bolstering the statement with his own observations of himself rather than further exploring and exposing how these people came to view him in this manner. Such presentations can be achieved by making the readers note how this observed characters came to be through specific incidents that would help elucidate his preparedness to live in a diverse campus, among like and unlike minded people, as well as how responds to authority in the form of parents. Form the idea of a strong but respectful character.
Now, think about how these different characters came to lead you to develop leadership abilities. The air cadet thing is something that does not blend well with the previous statements. It does not properly help build the character profile that this prompt requires. It feels forced and does not blend with the previous statements.