Your career goals in the broad field of engineering and what/who has influenced you

Texas A&M Engineering essay

Describe your academic and career goals in the broad field of engineering (including computer science, industrial distribution, and engineering technology). What and/or who has influenced you either inside or outside the classroom that contributed to these goals?

My interest in engineering started at a young age for me, right when I began playing Minecraft. I began to use the computer every day, and I grew more and more fascinated with it every day. I slowly began to learn more about the computer I was using, and quickly realized it was not very good. I saved all the money I could and built myself my first computer at the age of 12, which marked the beginning of my obsession.

As I progressed through the scouting program, I met numerous people who had made a career out of computer science, including a project manager and a senior firmware engineer, both working at AMD. These men helped show me how they used their computer science degrees to forge a life where they were comfortably able to support their families and loved ones, which is one of my biggest goals in life.

As an engineering student, I want to learn the skills I need to become a successful software engineer after graduation. I intend to obtain a master's degree during my time at A&M, so that I may more easily find a job and become a better worker later on. I want to be challenged by my course work, so that I may grow even more as a student and engineer.

After graduation, I want to become a software engineer so I can support myself and my loved ones to have a comfortable lifestyle where money is not a huge concern for us. I believe that if I attend A&M and push myself to work hard and learn as much as I can, then I can achieve these goals.

Greetings, Cole, I suppose that, in this essay, you talked a lot about giving your family and loved ones a comfortable living - which, let's be fair, is our main objective always -, but too little about your goals as an engineer. What I propose is that you rewrite this essay, but now focusing on our goals in the area you shall study. Why not, for instance, developing your two first paragraphs more? You could link the people you've met during your teenage with a particular subject in your area which really interests you. Remember that you may tell a short story to give your essay a more personal touch.

Besides that, mind your writing, for, in the first paragraph, you constantly repeated expressions such as "began" and, throughout the text, you repeat that you want to be able to "support myself and my loved ones to have a comfortable lifestyle" - saying it once is enough. So try using more complex phrases in order to avoid repetition.

I hope my comment helped you. Should you want another feedback, just post your other essay here.
Best regards,
Arthur.

Cole, there are no academic or career goals indicated in this essay. You need to write a totally new essay. Focus on discussing what kind of computer put together in terms of hardware when you realized that your computer was not really Minecraft worthy. Talk about engineering technology development on your part based on that 12 year old experience then progress it. What kind of hardware do you work with now and why? How has that familiarity helped to inspire your academic goals? What are those specific academic goals? Then move on to your career goals.

The people who inspired you do not seem to have truly inspired an academic and professional goal in yourself. It appears that you were more impressed with their pocketbook than anything else. That is the worst reason you can use for opting to start a career in a particular field. Not everyone in the computer field gets a windfall of cash immediately. Pick an inspiration who you wish to emulate in your academic and professional undertakings. Mark Zuckerberg and Elon Musk are the most recent inspirations that I can think of but you may have someone else in mind whom you can use for that part of the essay.

Career goals does not equate with financial goals, which is what the focus of your essay was for that part of the prompt. A career goal is more of "After I graduate, I will have gained enough theoretical skills and practical expertise to create a product that I can start a Kickstarter campaign for, in an effort to work for myself by establishing my own crowd funded company." Or something of the sort.