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Carleton Essays (teacher, subjects, career plan, development)


Randyhl 8 / 33  
Feb 9, 2010   #1
Carleton Supplement
Name the secondary school teacher who has most influenced you and briefly explain why. (RUTBERG, PHILOSOPHY AND US HISTORY) (this is written on another part of the application)

He/She has influenced me because (200 Characters):

Our philosophical debates fed my passion to discover my true beliefs and her contagious love of the material excited her to always help and answer my many questions - an environment in which I thrive.

What subjects most interest you and why? (Note: This is not a commitment to major in this area.) (400 Characters)
The way the world works is an enticing mystery to solve. As I learn the basics of mechanics and atomic behavior, I find myself with a plethora of unanswered questions. Using the clues that past physicists left for me, and the math I have been waiting to apply, I will test unpredictable electrons for logical explanations. The thrill of finding a lead on science's enigma is the root of my success.

Do you have a tentative (or firm) career plan (or dream)? Please describe it. (400 Characters)
As a person who knows that learning is one of the most important aspects of life, I see myself ending up as a professor. Feeding my insatiable hunger to learn, my teachers have been the most inspiring, humble, and enthusiastic people I have ever met. Sharing my immutable passion with others and being to students what teachers have been to me, excites me for a future of utter fulfillment and pride.

Why are you interested in Carleton College and how did this interest develop? (300 Characters):

In the progressive and free-thinking environment I dream of, the intelligent and open minded Carletonians smile whether they're debating free will, snuggling with cocoa in a snow storm, or studying sleeplessly during finals, creating a warm college environment conducive to my learning and growth.

From your reading, whether children's books or classics, what books or authors have particularly impressed you and why? (500 Characters):

Dave Eggers' "What is the What" opened my eyes. Reading novels was always an activity I dreaded. However, after I found myself at 3am bawling, still reading, I felt shameful and disgusted for looking at books so negatively. The powerful emotions aroused as Valentino and I took on endeavors side by side, removed me from English. Eggers changed the way I see life and how I take mine for granted. I think of Eggers gratefully as I now open a book excited to escape reality and enter another world.
srandhawa 10 / 157  
Feb 9, 2010   #2
Is the Carleton deadline still not over, or is this for transfer applications?

Anyway, let me just give you a rundown of some thoughts
1) I obviously havent read the rest of your application, but unless physics is your major, the idea of testing electrons for observations seemed kinda random, out there, dont really know where it came from. The finding the unknowns of science is always vague and over done, now if you talk about electrons something specific about them and maybe say a little something about their unknown properties, that would sound much stronger in limited space, espec since this doesnt have to relate to your major

2) For your future plan/dream, your first sentence is entirely unecessary. Again, I say this every time I'm on here, but specifics, if you can quickly cite a particular experience that made you want to teach, that would again, be much more memorable and resonate much more in an adcoms mind than your insatiable desires and that form of repeated jargon

3) I dont know really what to say about the why carleton, yeah a million people are going to say because of the freedom there, and i generally dont like using that as a main idea because of how overdone it is, but then again you only have 300 characters, sorry dont know what to say, just spend a little more time thinking about it

4) Again, you take too long to answer the question in the last one for books. Its easy to say powerful emotion, but if you take a quote from the book to start the essay or give a glimpse into the specifics of your mind in the beginning of the essay, that would really show powerful emotions. That can shape the rest of your essay and give it great power and focus, and I think 500 characters is enough to do it in. When you write about books, thats the one time where starting w/ a quote can be a great idea.

In general my advice is the same as it often is, make it personal, make it specific w/ focus on tru nunances and you can through that create the powerful images which these short answers rely on. Good luck:)
OP Randyhl 8 / 33  
Feb 10, 2010   #3
Wow I got a lot of work to do..
Well thanks so much to take the time out of your life to evaluate my essays. GREATLY Appreciate.

By the way. They do see that I am applying as physics major. Also you say use specific quotes and all, but the questions are to get to know me right? Not some book.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Feb 10, 2010   #4
I think there is a better term to use than "the world."---The way material reality works is an enticing ... maybe like that? To say "the way the world works" brings to mind naive young people who "don't know how the world works."

Sharing my immutable passion with others and being to students what teachers have been to me, fills me with excitement about a future of utter fulfillment and pride.

:-)
christiek 6 / 65  
Feb 18, 2010   #5
Why are you interested in Carleton College and how did this interest develop? (300 Characters):

--> I don't think you answered the question. I kind of see it but not really..
I love the writing here though : )

-hmmm, everything else seems good to me : )
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Feb 18, 2010   #6
...studying sleeplessly during finals. The all-occasion smile creates a warm college environment conducive to my learning and growth. --- this establishes that smile as a theme. But Christie is right! This does not tell how you became interested. Maybe you can talk about noticing that smile during visit to the campus, which sparked your interest.

use a comma:
I think of Eggers gratefully as I now open a book, excited to escape reality and enter another world.

:-)
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Feb 25, 2010   #7
Our philosophical debates fed my passion to discover my true beliefs and her contagious love of the material excited her to always help and answer my many questions - an environment in which I thrive.----- this includes a lot of things that you say, but I think you could do better if you said one thing that is really meaningful:

Our philosophical debates fed my passion to discover my true beliefs and her fascination with the subject was contagious: I found myself asking many questions and becoming increasingly....

In the progressive and free-thinking environment I dream of, the intelligent and open minded Carls smile whether they're debating free will, snuggling with cocoa in a snow storm, or studying sleeplessly during finals, nourishing me with a warm college environment conducive to my learning and growth.---- with this, you have a good idea, but you need to name it something. It sounds like you are talking about an "intellectual smile" or a "scholarly smile."

:-)
linmark 2 / 328 7  
Feb 28, 2010   #8
an environment in which I thrive.

This phrase after the hyphen seems disjointed from the beginning of your sentence (philosophical debates.)

The thrill of contributing pieces to science's puzzle is the root of my success.

What interest you the most - is it the thrill of piecing together the science puzzle? I would remove "root of my success" - or reword it so it is the success of solving the puzzle that motivates you the most.

I don't think you answered the prompt of why Carleton College:

the intelligent and open minded Carletonians smilecreating a warm college environment conducive to my learning and growth.

This is very general - was there a particular department or club that drew you to C?
OP Randyhl 8 / 33  
Mar 9, 2010   #9
What subjects most interest you and why? (Note: This is not a commitment to major in this area.) (400 Characters):

Physics challenges me with an abundance of mysteries. As my classes delve deeper into atomic behavior, I am left with many intriguing questions. Using clues that past physicists left for me, and math I am eager to apply, I will graph electrons' erratic behavior and discover the pattern. The thrill of one day answering my questions and understanding material reality is the root of my success.
djanat 19 / 29  
Mar 9, 2010   #10
Randyhl
i did not understand what you want exactly ?
editing or giving you some ideas on the topic
OP Randyhl 8 / 33  
Mar 9, 2010   #11
From your reading, whether children's books or classics, what books or authors have particularly impressed you and why? (500 Characters):

I had always been a math and science person who hated reading. Dave Eggers' "What is the What" opened my eyes to the world I had been missing. The book was like a dream; I left reality and entered the mind of a Sudanese refugee escaping genocide. The journey provoked powerful and lasting emotions that changed me. Not liking reading is something about myself I no longer accept. I am determined to improve and grow as a reader as I now open a book excited to flee my thoughts and enter another's.
EF_Susan - / 2,364 12  
Mar 10, 2010   #12
Our epic philosophical debates ignited my passion to constantly challenge what I truly believe. You shouldn't say 'truly' if your beliefs are subject to change.

She made herself available to help me and answer my questions, ...

The thrill of one day answering my own questions and understanding material reality is the root of my success.

Why are you interested in Carleton College and how did this interest develop? (300 Characters):[/b] You don't answer either question!;

In the progressive and free-thinking environment I dream of,....

I am determined to improve and grow as a reader as I now open a book excited to flee my thoughts and enter another world. (?)
OP Randyhl 8 / 33  
Mar 10, 2010   #13
Wait Susan, I do answer the question by implying many things. I imply I like being around those who are passionate about learning, I love the cozy aspects about Carleton, I love how liberal and progressive it is, and it developed by me seeing my self thrive there and being nourished by a warm college environment.

To constantly challenge what I truly believe.. I am not saying my beliefs change, I am saying I am constantly trying to discover them.

flee my thoughts and enter anothers.. as in anothers thoughts..

She made her self available to help.. does not need a "me" grammatically.

All of your comments are confusing.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Mar 11, 2010   #14
The one about physics is impressive!
For this one, I recommend:
...see myself becoming a professor of _______ and _________. --- that will make it more specific, a better read for the reader, and more impressive because of your clear vision for the future.

The last one is no good!! :-) It is to abstract. I mean, obviously I might be wrong. It might resonate perfectly with the person who will read this. But I think it is too abstract! How about a solid reason for wanting this school. To me, it seems the only admirable reason for wanting a particular school is that it is somehow better than other schools for helping you achieve YOUR specific vision for the future. How will this school be better than another one?
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Mar 11, 2010   #15
Wait Susan, I do answer the question by implying many things. I imply I like being around those who are passionate about learning, I love the cozy aspects about Carleton, I love how liberal and progressive it is, and it developed by me seeing my self thrive there and being nourished by a warm college environment.

Yes, that is good, but this should include some mention of the process -- which may have occurred during a particular season of a particular year -- when you developed this interest. Also, the reason -- coziness -- is sort of abstract and not very intellectual. How about adjusting it so that it is related to the field of study you are excited about?

To constantly challenge what I truly believe.. I am not saying my beliefs change, I am saying I am constantly trying to discover them.

With this part, it is hard to say exactly what seems wrong. I agree with Susan that the word "truly" seems out of place, but I think it has more to do with "constantly" --- "truly"... adverbs are weeds in the garden of your writing.

And it is... oh! I know why... "truly" is extra! Superfluous. I know it has meaning for you, but the reader sees it as a word that does not apply to anything. It will be a stronger sentence to just say:

constantly challenge what I believe.

Anyway, this stuff is no big deal! You write very well. However the reason you give for choosing this school is too abstract; I just wrote something about it in another of your posts.

:-)
OP Randyhl 8 / 33  
Mar 11, 2010   #16
Thanks Kevin, I will keep this in mind


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