"Carnegie Mellon? What? Mellon like a watermelon?"; MAJOR & WHY CMU?

Is this too boring? Is it too generic? Would it be bad to say that I am not sure of what I want to do in my future (as in the last paragraph).

Thanks for criticizing.

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In the freezing north in a country called Canada, most people I have talked to have never actually heard of "Carnegie Mellon". A typical conversation would usually involve the other party asking me what school(s) I were applying to, and then repeatedly questioning me, "Carnegie Mellon? What? Mellon like a watermelon?", which was only slightly humourous the first 20-or-so times. So what makes me different from the many who think of watermelon when they hear Carnegie Mellon, and why did I apply to Tepper School of Business and the College of Science?

First of all, Carnegie Mellon is known for as a technical institute, and that attracts me first and foremost. Being surrounded with new and changing technology all the time, I hope that one day I will be able to work with this ever-changing technology. By being in a college which has such a strong emphasis on technology, I hope that I will be able to appreciate it, have experience with it, and enjoy working with it in a "work environment".

However, I chose to apply to the Tepper School of Business and College of Science and not the Institute of Technology or the The School of Computer Science. I like working with technology hands-on, I like programming, and I love being able to develop new things. However, I believe that career-wise, this is not the right path for me to take. I believe that to become truly successful in life, one needs not only a strong education, but a broad education in all fields. I love technology, and I hope that despite not majoring in a technological field, I will be able to take engaging and challenging courses within those fields regardless.

By ranking Tepper and the College of Science as my number one and two choices, I hope to be able to have a degree in both so I will be more knowledgeable as an individual and as a member of society. I hope to one day be able to use my knowledge of both fields in my job. Career-wise, I believe that an undergraduate program in business will be able to broaden my horizons, and allow me to think more analytically. A business degree is practical, and by applying to the College of Science as well, I will be able to learn more on a subject that is difficult for me to pursue on my own: biological sciences.

I also believe that Carnegie Mellon's Tepper School of Business and College of Science are unlike all others. By incorporating Carnegie Mellon's strengths as a school into these other programs, I believe that any other major will not be void of technological influences. I believe understanding how technology works is essential for any business, and in the world we live in today, it is necessary to have a strong knowledge of such fields.

Knowing that Tepper and College of Science are both relatively small schools at Carnegie Mellon, I hope to be able to work closer with others, and have more hands-on experience. In a large city like Pittsburg, I believe opportunities are endless, and the future limitless.

So, what will I do in my future and what will I accomplish with two degrees? I do not have huge goals like curing cancer, or developing the next operating system that will parallel Windows, nor do I wish to become the CEO of a huge company, or being the greatest entrepreneur the world has ever seen. I have no set goal or set paths at the moment, and all I can do is hope that Carnegie Mellon will help me decide in the future. I do know that I know what I like, and I will finish something I have started, and I believe that by going to Carnegie Mellon, I will become more aware of my dreams.

One of major things that I see is that the way this essay is written isn't very original. I mean its a good essay, but its not an amazing essay. The reasons you give are good, and you explain well why you want both the schools, but I just feel as though I still don't know enough about you.

i can see you tried to catch the readers attention w/ an anecdote, but unfortunately, i dont think its going to work to well on adcoms. They've probably heard of that one alot, don't mean to be mean and it is diff. becaue you are from canada and its much harder to get a grasp on american colleges and whos who and whats what, but i'd stray away from that anecdote. But in general, your essay is far too vague, you say the schools you apply to are unlike any other. How? You mention the phrase carnegie mellons strengths? What are they? This is a must, you have to talk about the schools strengths at a specific level, not just oh its good, nationally ranked, provides opportunities, will help me understand technology, none of that. Give ex. of specific programs in the teppard school of business for ex. That would be a start. Also, you talk about your love for technology but you gotta give something specific. This is something you could use in your intro instead of the anecdote. I also don't feel the conclusion adds anything too the essay, its too broad and it just doesnt seem to have a purpose. and one last thing, its pittsburgh not pittsburg and im from pittsburgh and it hardly what you'd classify as a big city. Small detail yes, but its the type of thing that doesn't come across well in an essay or make you look like you did your research. Again, i dont want to come across as a jerk, you just need to focus and ask yourself why you really want to come to cmu, not just because of how great a school it is, and let that passion flow thorugh the essay.

Thanks for the criticisms. I know that one of my weaknesses is that I can't exactly show myself through my essays...
I will try to be more specific, etc.
How's my grammar/spelling?

The first paragraph is a play on words, and it is just not as good as it could be if you took a different approach. I hate to be a negative Nancy, but I think it should be rewritten.

Also, there is a lot wrong with this sentence:
First of all, Carnegie Mellon is known for as a technical institute, and that attracts me first and foremost.

Just say: I hope to be accepted to Carnegie Mellon's ________program, because...

And yes, you really should choose a program. You can change your mind later, but be decisive right now. Be the kind of person who has seen how much is wrong with the world and has a clear, urgent plan for taking action.

imo, i think it is a bit too generic. You need to elaborate and give specific examples on how Carnegie Mellon will affect you.