Hi, please help me edit my essay (grammar, structure, organization, etc)! Comments whether good/bad are welcome.
*Describe the world you come from - for example your family, community or school and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.*
Cause-and-effect
"Work hard to prove her wrong. I know you can do it." That's what my dad always told me from a very young age. In some ways, his expression is right but I've learned that thinking this way can also be wrong. By "her", he was referring to my mother who left us in turmoil a couple of years ago. She left my dad and the family, and withdrew all of the money in the bank accounts. All of this chaos led to us being broke, hungry, nearly homeless, and eventually their divorce. I remember feeling helpless because I witnessed my dad's misery in not being able to provide for my two sisters, grandparents, and I. In time however, I saw how hard my dad worked to keep us afloat financially, and it was evident in his absence from my life and childhood. Although I did not have two parents who were always around, I made something good out of this hardship in my life. I became a self-sufficient individual who pursues anything that strikes my curiosity.
Growing up, I learned to do things on my own when no one was around to help me. Because of this, I grew up quickly, became aware of my surroundings, and familiarized myself with the concept of cause-and-effect. If I was hungry, I knew I needed to cook for myself. Cup noodles and packaged ramen became a staple in my diet because I understood that the effect would be the satisfaction of my hunger if I took the action to execute the cause - cooking the noodles. Nevertheless, my fondest childhood memory also came from understanding cause-and-effect. I knew that if I wanted to be like the ice-skaters I saw on the Disney Channel, I would have to get creative and come up with my own solution. As a result, I would wet my socks to cause my feet to smoothly glide across the tile floor. I know it seems silly now to picture a little girl slipping and sliding across the floor in an attempt to be an ice-skater. But for me, it sufficed my longing to ice-skate like the actresses on television.
Fast forward into high school, I continued to grow as a person and took charge of my high school career. Having already understood that doing well academically would get me that desired GPA, wanting to succeed in things other than academics complicated that equation. I joined different organizations, learned which ones fit me, and stuck with them. Each of them offered me different perspectives and insights - such as a taste into the world of business or what being a performer feels like. Although I am not completely sure about what I want to do as a career, my goal is to take the steps that will lead me there. I aspire go to college, take classes that interest me as well as strike my curiosity, and find out what that may be.
I know my dad was right about the cause, "Work hard", and I always appreciated his encouragement, "I know you can do it". However, I've learned that the effect is not to be able to "prove her wrong", but rather to live happily and be satisfied with myself from my very own accomplishments. As I go about life and try my best to be successful, I never used the thought of "prov[ing] her wrong" as a driving force. Even though I do not have a picture-perfect family who was always around, I accept that because I have came to be a responsible young woman(?). As an individual who has grown up to be quite independent, I know that I can succeed in college as I will be the cause that brings about my own effects.
In time however, I saw how hard my dad worked to keep us afloat financially, and it was evident in his absence from my life and childhood.
"Having already understood that doing well academically would get me that desired GPA, wanting to succeed in things other than academics complicated that equation."
(I find this sentence awkward)
Overall I really liked your essay!
I aspire to go to college, take classes that interest me as well as strike my curiosity, and find out what that may be."
I joined different organizations, learned which ones were the best fit for me , and stuck with them. Each of them offered me different perspectives and insights - such as a taste into the world of business or what being a performer feels like.
Even though I do not have a picture-perfect family who was always around, I accept that because I have become a responsible young woman.
"Fast forward into high school, I continued to grow as a person and took charge of my high school career. Having already understood that doing well academically would get me that desired GPA, wanting to succeed in things other than academics complicated that equation."
I agree with intropella. This sentence is a bit confusing.
Apart from these mistakes, the essay was great. I liked it. :D
"Work hard to prove her wrong. I know you can do it."
Work hard to prove her that she is wrong. I know you can do it.She left my dad and the family, and withdrew all of the money in the bank accounts.
She left my dad and the family and withdrew every penny that were in the bank accounts.All of this chaos led to us being broke, hungry, nearly homeless, and eventually their divorce.
Her acts left us broke, hungry, nearly homeless and eventually ended up in their divorce.and it was evident in his absence from my life and childhood.
and that kept him away from my childhood life.