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Challenging transition - College essay/personal statement


p13p3ng 1 / -  
Aug 6, 2015   #1
Please tell us about the particular life experiences, talents, commitments and/or interests you will bring specifically to our campus that will enrich our community:

When I was in middle school, I remember learning about the theory of evolution. It excited me and made me think about how life came to be as it is now. We learned about all the possibilities, the theories, and the ways scientists have attempted to prove to the world that evolution is how we came to be. It was fascinating to learn the theories and speculations that scientists from all over the world were making and trying to prove true. It was absolutely intriguing to think about what was possible, and what could be possible just through science. These early science lessons sparked a passion not only for learning, but for investigating, and they also made me curious about living things and how they worked. This passion for science and investigating has lead me to take many science courses in high school, and has led me to the decision that I want a career in the medical field. For senior year, I will be taking many medical classes, to prepare me for the courses I will be taking in college, and to give me more insight into the career I am interested in.

After middle school I moved to Wisconsin. It was a challenging transition. The people I knew and the people I was closest to all thought the same as I did. Then I moved here and went to high school, a place where the student population is more diverse than it was in middle school. When I first arrived here, I was used to many people sharing the same beliefs as me. I never realized how many differing opinions there could be on one subject, and as I began to make more friends and be introduced to other people's perspectives, I began to grow as a person. I became more open minded and started to see that just because people had different opinions that did not make either opinion more right, or more wrong, than the other. This transition, in addition to making me more open minded and accepting of others, has created a passion for seeing many different kinds of perspectives, from the viewpoints of many different people.

This passion to learn about how other people see the world differently was one of the main reasons I accepted the invitation to the People to People Student Ambassador Celtic Cultures program, which took a large group of teenagers from Wisconsin and Michigan and brought them to the United Kingdom to learn about life there in the past and present, and to increase global awareness and acceptance. By being accepted into the People to People program, I had to work hard to raise the several thousand dollars it cost to go on this trip of a lifetime. I worked hard to achieve my goal of raising enough money by juggling my job, fundraisers to earn money, along with schoolwork and projects due for the program. On this program, I was brought somewhere completely unfamiliar to me, with forty other kids; most of whom I had never met. I learned a lot about myself on that program. I was given much more responsibility than I had ever had before. Some days, we would be let out in a city, such as Dublin, St. Andrews, or London, and would be allowed to explore with a small group of students. Being able to go off in these smaller groups made me become more responsible because I was placed in a city in another country and had to manage my time and money for where we would go and what we would do.

I should be accepted into ______________________'s program because I can bring a passion for my major and for learning everything I can about it. I am a responsible, passionate, open minded student who will work hard to achieve her goals and pursue my passions, and I truly believe that _____________________ would be the best school to help me get the most out of my college experience.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Aug 6, 2015   #2
When I was in middle school, I remember learning about the theory of evolution.-- This can be improved, because it suggests that you remembered something when you were in middle school. It's better to omit the 'remember' part: When I was in middle school, I remember learning learned about the theory of evolution.

Your first paragraph can improve if you apply the rule: Show, don't tell. That means it is better to give a memorable example or an interesting story instead of saying things like, absolutely intriguing. When you use a lot of adjectives it is telling, but when you use a story or an example is showing. People love to be told stories, so I wonder if you could turn this first paragraph into a story about what happened in middle school - something specific rather than the general idea that it was fascinating.

After middle school I moved to Wisconsin. --- This is not a good way to start a paragraph. When people talk about good structure in writing, one of the things they're thinking about is a question of whether or not we each paragraph begins with a topic sentence that supports the main idea or argument of the essay. This sentence does not really support any sort of concept you're promoting in the essay. Also, it is just not as interesting as it could be. The first sentence of the essay in the first sentence of each paragraph should be a little bit interesting, if possible.

I gave all the criticism I can think of, but really you have a great writing style and I think this will be well received! : )
justivy03 - / 2,366 607  
Aug 15, 2015   #3
- I was used to many people sharing the same beliefs as meI do .
- I never realized how many differingdifferent opinions there could be on one subject,
- By beingBeing accepted into the People to People program,

Conclusion:
This closing is somewhat aggressive and demanding, let me rephrase it;
- I should be accepted into ______________________'sThis program will further mybecause I can bring a passion for my major and for learning everything I can about it.

- I am a responsible, passionate, open minded and determined student who will work hard togather my best to achieve her goals and pursue my passions, and

- I truly believe that _____________________ would beis the best schoolinstitution to help me get the most out of my college. experience .

There you have it, my little help towards your fruitful future.


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