Hi i know i am a horrible essay writer so i need some help PLEASE!
i took out the peoples names in the essay and replaced it with a ____
PLEASE REVISE and tell me anything i need to change, or if i should just start over
TOPIC: If there has been some obstacle in the road in your personal life, please explain the circumstances
People say after hard times you learn and you mature from it, times in life wont always be picture perfect. I've learned this first hand.
Ill never forget sitting in the back seat of my friend's mother's car with my best friend screaming the words to "Before he cheats" on the radio. It was a picture perfect scene, until I got a phone call that would forever change our lives. [..]
OK, let's see what we've got here:
"People say after hard times you learn and you mature from it, that times in life will not always be picture perfect. I have learned this first hand.
I will never forget sitting in the back seat of my friend's mother's car with my best friend screaming the words to "Before he C heats" on the radio. It was a picture perfect scene, until I got a phone call that would forever change our lives. Our good friend ____ was crying hysterically, yelling, and screeching "H e died, he's dead!" That moment my world stopped. Tears streamed down my face like a waterfall , my body went numb, and an unexplained chill ran through the car. Denial filled my head. I had an awesome life with no obstacles until then . Things like this did not happen, except in movies.
I immediately called his cell phone, left a voice mail that was never returned. ___ my friend, one of the nicest, most outgoing, and caring people I had ever met, was to never be seen again. Memories of him raced through my mind.
Going through the stages of grief, denial, and depression has to have been the biggest obstacle I have overcome. Death is not easy, life is not easy, and eventually everyone learns this from a personal experience. This tragedy has taught me a lot; I am now a stronger and more mature person. I have experienced something some people never will.(You just finished saying how everyone has to go through something like this in life, but here you state that you've experienced something individual; this is very conflicting. I suggest changing this statement to something such as, "I have experienced something profound, and it has effected me deeply.) I have realized bad things happen to good people and that life is not always fair, b ut most importantly to live everyday as if it were my last."
Watch your use of casual contractions such as "won't" and "can't" in formal academic writing. Otherwise, you've got a good essay. You tell your story well and explain briefly how it has changed you. Good work.
