"Cherry on Top" - why brown? - Brown Supplement

Please tell us more about your interest in Brown: Why does Brown appeal to you as a college option? Who or what has influenced your decision to apply?

"Okay. I'll see you at Cherry on Top by the school," said I as I hung up the phone. Cherry on Top, a frozen yogurt place where customers could create their own yogurt, is one of my favorite comfortable places to hang out. Several ice cream machines, each containing different flavors, are lined up against a green wall. A topping cart next to the machines is piled up with fruits and nuts. This Cherry on Top differentiated with other stores by placing an assistant who mainly helps customers with process.

Brown University, particularly the Division of Engineering, is the place where I could design my own curriculum to taste different areas of engineering. Brown values independence and responsibility of students, but, will never allow me to leave without a solid foundation for my potential career. Under the core curriculum, I would be flexible to engage in interdisciplinary research project under the control of the Materials Research Science and Engineering Center, such as one that focuses more on biology, the micromechanics on cell adhesion, also known as the SEED project. Brown will be the place to discover, architect, and expand my true intellectual love.

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I am not sure about the last paragraph addressing why brown is the place for me...
Help!!! thank you!!!

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I was trying to show that Brown is like my favorite place that I want to go all the time and trying to explain because Brown, like the yogurt shop, has various goood programs (maybe I should explain or list some) and offers help with advising groups as the yogurt shop has an assistant for the customers.

The final message(the most important message I wanted to say) was that because Brown lets me choose and be responsible for my choice among various program ... I lost myself....

The beginning is pretty random... If I was an admissions officer, I would raise an eyebrow.

Either connect it more to the example, or cut out the comparison completely.

Help me with my pomona essay, please!

This seems a little random, because the yogurt shop doesn't seem to have that much in connection with brown. If you want to make it an analogy, you might want to put in more examples that are "showing" rather than "telling".

I think that you want to get into the writing programs so you might want to concentrate on programs that you like and how you might contribute to those programs.

The ending is also a little boring because I'm pretty sure everyone is happy to apply to Brown.

However, I'm sure that you have plenty of time to change it

Please look at my essay as well!

I wrote a similar essay like this
but anyways,,
i think you should
focus more on 'why' than about Cherry on Top

and one more thing
rather than saying 'students' you should change it to 'me'
this would make it more convincing.

good luck! ;)

The first bit might make the admissions office seem to think you're just trying to sound unique. That's just my opinion. I agree with the above advice.

in a good way or a bad way???

to all: thanks for the comments! I'm fixing it right now.

I don't know, I still think this essay is great as it is. I think it's more for effect that it's that random and it doesn't really hurt the essay in any way. I think it addresses enough of the why factor too, but if you want you can add more, it's no doubt helpful.

"is differentiated from other stores"??????

kind of sounds awkward..

but otherwise, it sounds great!
Great comparison by the way!!~