A child of an immigrant family - UBC: Tell us about who you are

Hi, can anyone please give feedback on my response to this prompt for a UBC application? Thanks!

Tell us about who you are. how would your family, friends, and/or members of your community describe you? If possible, please include something about yourself that you are most proud of and why. (maximum 1500 characters)

As the second child of an immigrant family, my parents always wanted what was best for me. I was raised in BC where I attended French immersion, studied Chinese during weekends, and became an active member of the Royal Canadian Air Cadets. My friends and family would describe me as hardworking and self-motivated. I would spend several hours everyday practicing piano until I had perfected the pieces in preparation for the exams. I spend my free time volunteering for various organizations where I am able to contribute meaningfully to my community. I have volunteered for medical clinics where I assisted to give out COVID vaccines and for my city in helping elderly citizens get their grocery orders. My brother is in the medical field and he would often tell me stories of his clinical research and interesting cases. This triggered my curiosity for science and fueled my self-motivation where I decided to pursue the AP Capstone program in which I am able to conduct my own scientific research on something that interests me. My brother would also tell me about the human anatomy and physiology which further peaked my interest in the sciences. My curiosity led me to take as many science courses as I could. I am most proud of my persistence to pursue something that interests me and my determination to reach my goals. I continue to seek opportunities where I can gain experience in the field of science and enhance my skills in order to prepare for a future past highschool.

There is too much of "I" in this essay and not enough "they". The idea is to look at yourself from the outside, from someone else's perspective. What would make you a good person in their eyes? How have they proven these traits for themselves? Do not condense the description into pairs or groups. Introduce yourself to the reviewer based on the varied relationships they require. The characterization must be multifaceted and driven by the way you treat people, depending upon their importance, relationship, or representation in your life.

It appears that you are highly accomplished in life. This is not a bad thing but, it confuses the response to the question "What are you most proud of?" There are two ways to approach that qestion. The first way, is to choose a personal accomplishment that you feel represents the strongest character trait you have. The other, is to blend the opinions everyone else has of you into a characterization that will allow for a unique personification to emerge.

Remember to respond to the question in a well drafted manner. Outline the response based on the prompt instructions, then create a cohesive essay response based on the outline and first draft.