Personal Statement 2
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?
"Sorry, no Engrish," I told Mrs. MacDonald on my first day in the English Second Language program. "I from China."
"Young lady, that is no exception," Mrs. MacDonald explained, her cat-eye glasses peering down at me. "You still have to do the project, you know."
The project was simple - design and write a twenty page storybook about any topic. But here's the catch: the story must be in English. Being my stubborn self, I thought, they must be joking! How could they expect a seven-year-old straight off the Air China plane to construct a story in English? I needed help.
At my request, Mrs. MacDonald and I sat in one corner of the room, whiteboard markers grasped tightly in our hands. I had an idea.
There once was a king. I placed an imaginary crown on my head and a scepter in my hand. Who lived in a castle on a hill. I drew big, fat lumps of green on the whiteboard. And had a beautiful wife. I pointed to a Marilyn Monroe poster.
At first, Mrs. McDonald was confused. After some frustration, she guessed what I meant and translated my ideas into two coherent English sentences: There once was a king who lived in a castle on a hill. He had a beautiful wife...
In the ensuing weeks, we essentially played charades and Pictionary - I would act out scenes and draw details while Mrs. MacDonald translated my thoughts into English. I felt like I was inside a Charlie Chaplin film. In one productive day, we would complete maybe four or five sentences. Slowly we progressed. The story was ten pages, now twenty, now thirty, now thirty-five pages of English words and children's illustrations. Finally after four weeks, King Shumin, my lame parody of a traditional Chinese folk story, was ready for presentation.
King Shumin never won any accolades or recognition - that does not bother me. Truthfully, I am not concerned with outside validation. I am simply glad that I carved the story's details through charades and whiteboard drawings because it highlighted what was already apparent: I am a meticulous student; I learn visually; I pay massive attention to intricacies and I care much about the presentation of ideas and concepts. Inside school classrooms and out, everything I do must be executed theatrically (though sometimes imperfectly). I have little desire to simply "think outside the box." I prefer to think outside the cube...
Can you please help me make the essay flow better? Any other advice would be greatly appreciated too because I am applying to some competitive schools.
Also, please help me make my concluding paragraph better? While re-reading it, the last paragraph makes me sound conceited, which I am not by any means...
Thank you!!
Ming
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?
"Sorry, no Engrish," I told Mrs. MacDonald on my first day in the English Second Language program. "I from China."
"Young lady, that is no exception," Mrs. MacDonald explained, her cat-eye glasses peering down at me. "You still have to do the project, you know."
The project was simple - design and write a twenty page storybook about any topic. But here's the catch: the story must be in English. Being my stubborn self, I thought, they must be joking! How could they expect a seven-year-old straight off the Air China plane to construct a story in English? I needed help.
At my request, Mrs. MacDonald and I sat in one corner of the room, whiteboard markers grasped tightly in our hands. I had an idea.
There once was a king. I placed an imaginary crown on my head and a scepter in my hand. Who lived in a castle on a hill. I drew big, fat lumps of green on the whiteboard. And had a beautiful wife. I pointed to a Marilyn Monroe poster.
At first, Mrs. McDonald was confused. After some frustration, she guessed what I meant and translated my ideas into two coherent English sentences: There once was a king who lived in a castle on a hill. He had a beautiful wife...
In the ensuing weeks, we essentially played charades and Pictionary - I would act out scenes and draw details while Mrs. MacDonald translated my thoughts into English. I felt like I was inside a Charlie Chaplin film. In one productive day, we would complete maybe four or five sentences. Slowly we progressed. The story was ten pages, now twenty, now thirty, now thirty-five pages of English words and children's illustrations. Finally after four weeks, King Shumin, my lame parody of a traditional Chinese folk story, was ready for presentation.
King Shumin never won any accolades or recognition - that does not bother me. Truthfully, I am not concerned with outside validation. I am simply glad that I carved the story's details through charades and whiteboard drawings because it highlighted what was already apparent: I am a meticulous student; I learn visually; I pay massive attention to intricacies and I care much about the presentation of ideas and concepts. Inside school classrooms and out, everything I do must be executed theatrically (though sometimes imperfectly). I have little desire to simply "think outside the box." I prefer to think outside the cube...
Can you please help me make the essay flow better? Any other advice would be greatly appreciated too because I am applying to some competitive schools.
Also, please help me make my concluding paragraph better? While re-reading it, the last paragraph makes me sound conceited, which I am not by any means...
Thank you!!
Ming