Hi, everyone, please help me with this common application essay. Helps are appreciated! ;)
Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you. (250 words minimum)
"Only Chinese would feed street dogs for the sake of eating them!" a classmate proclaimed at the end of a discussion about cultures. I am Chinese and I love dogs -as pets. I believe that dogs are humans' buddies. Still, when confronted with that accusation, I blushed and covered my face with a piece of paper. I was not sure why I was hiding, but I felt abashed.
I moved to Bangkok at the age of fourteen and immediately became infatuated with the Thai culture. I liked eating the delicious spicy tom yam soup and enjoyed the traditional Thai "wai" as a way of greeting. While enamored with the culturally lively city, I also faced many cultural challenges as I was still transitioning from my native Chinese culture. In fact, after the "Chinese people eat dogs" incident happened, I experienced more cultural clashes. People complained about the quality of the products made-in-China, criticized the chaotic Chinese tourists, and challenged me on the merits of communism as a viable system of government.
I was overwhelmed and embarrassed by the friction between the two distinct cultures. However, I was actually more disappointed at myself for not answering to these matters.
Ever since then, I started to look for examples in life that would offer insights into these issues. On one occasion, I gave a small musical performance for my friends. I played the Erhu, my favorite traditional Chinese stringed instrument that produces clear soulful sounds. While I was enjoying the music, praise and enthusiastic words from other people also flowed freely. At that moment, I felt a surge of pride and happiness for Chinese culture. But more importantly, I realized the virtue of cultural difference that had perplexed me so long. Every culture is different, but those differences provide a wealth of diversity to our global community. It is not necessary to differentiate the "good" differences and "bad" differences because opinions are merely subjective. If I can acknowledge and accept those differences as part of experiences, I would be able to deal with conflicts of cultures in a more beneficial manner.
By examining and embracing a different culture, I also began to understand my own country's culture better. I would always consider the cultural conflicts I faced as providing significant insights. Through internalizing two distinct sets of cultural norms, I was able to synthesize my personal beliefs and values. By viewing life from multiple vantage points, I broadened my horizon of the world. The confusion I once felt has now gone away. And as a part of growth and maturation process, I gained measure of strength and wisdom that will assist me as I encounter new experiences.
Hi,
I like the start. Especially the first sentence is very powerful.
I have a few suggestions for you;
On one occasion, I gave made a smallmusical performance of Chinese music for my friends.
If I can acknowledge and accept those differences as part of experiences, I would be able to deal with conflicts of cultures in a more beneficialconstructive manner. ----good point
By examiningexperiencing and embracing a different culture, I also began to understand my own country's culture better.Now I would always consider view those the cultural conflicts I facedencounted as providingsignificantvaluable insights for me .
Thank you for your response!! ;)
And can you give me some opinions on the essay structure? I am not very confident with the third paragraph and the end.
The first too paragraphs flow beautifully. They are written very well. I too feel that the third and final paras fail to produce the same effect as the first two do.
However, I was actually more disappointed at myself for not answering to these matters.
Ever since then, I started to look for examples in life that would offer insights into these issues.
------For me, the problem starts here. Your points are good but there are some logical issues. You do not specifically mention about any time frame that you encounted these difficulties, but you use "Ever since then". This tends to confuse the reader. Try to replace these two sentences with more effective ones. You can do it 'cause you write very well.
At that moment, I felt a surge of pride and happiness for Chinese culture. But more importantly, I realized the virtue of cultural difference that had perplexed me so long. ---- This is really good. This is the quality of writing that should flow through out your essay.
By examining and embracing a different culture, I also began to understand my own country's culture better. I would always consider the cultural conflicts I faced as providing significant insights.-------- I suddenly feel some clash of ideas here. You say that your exposure to other cultures prompt you to understand your own better. And then you quickly jump to a different idea saying you respect cultural differences since they provide an insight. In my view, It is better that you support your first claim with one more sentence before you come to the second idea. Include a statement ithat can link these two ideas in between the two sentences.
Overall, I can say that you write very well and you have very good points. It's a matter of further improving the quality for it to be a perfect essay. GOOD LUCK!!
I think it's an amazing essay with a great introduction and conclusion. It really does what it is supposed to do, mention a significant incident and show how it helped you mature into a better person. There aren't many mistakes that I could find in the essay, except for the transition between the second and third paragraph which seemed a bit awkward to me.
Hope this helped a bit, and please review my common app essay and lafayette college supplement if you have the time .=)
I think this essay, along with the corrections suggested and the addition of a description about how you embrace diversity but at the same time are rooted deep in your culture and experiences that define who you are then your essay would be perfect (:
It'd be great if you could help me read mine.
Umm... I'm Chinese, too. So I just wanted to warn you that every Chinese senior from Memphis is writing the "Poor Chinese outcast beating the odds despite stereotyping" essay. Just be careful and have an open mind about writing this essay. It is a bit overdone and might be met with some annoyance at first...just my two cents
Chinese too. Agree with Rena. The essay's opening statement is excellent but the point is a little bit normal.
Some advices here, I'm also a 2015er and just finished my personal statement last month so plz not seen these as professional advices:) :
Firstly, Maybe you can think more about yourself. Write something that is unique and can only happened on you . Because I can not see your clear characteristics.
Also, Reflection is important in an essay but only reflection will not make an essay perfect. I mean the third paragraph makes the change too fast and do not have enough transition. It seems like all the issues and problems you faced quickly solved because of your own reflection of this conflict. It means that your example in paragraph 3 is not so convincing.
PS. Are you talking about the hotpot in Chongqing or something? maybe 狗肉火锅? I think most Chinese in other cities do not perfer to try this...
Haha. @ Matrix Star! I can tell that you are from China by your reference to the hotpot. :)
No, in the US there is this stereotype that all Chinese people eat dogs and other bizarre foods. (Although most of us don't...) I think it's because Americans generalize all Chinese people and ascribe the stereotype generally given to those from Guangzhou to all Chinese people.
Thank you all for your advice! :)
However, deadlines are coming up and I don't think I have the time to change the bulk of this essay. Is there any other way to make it a little uncommon? T^T
@Rena and Xueying what do you think if I add how my Chinese roots and Thai culture mix together to reveal my characteristics? (in the second paragraph)
Yeah! I think that will add more depth and individuality to your essay. I actually know someone who talked about being an ABC in China and how her deferential treatment there shocked her...
haha :) a reverse cultural shock, Rena, thanks for helping!
Chinese too! Generally, it is a nice topic. But I think that your essay is a little bit too speak-out. Sometimes it is not from the direct elaboration but from the mood and words that readers see the ideas and soul of the article. Personally I like relatively veiled articles, it makes lingering charm. Just a suggestion, good luck with your essay!
P.S
There is an essay expresses the same topic as yours, its name is Concealing my culture essay. You may take a glance at it.:)
