'Chinese student, physics and chemistry classes' - UC the World I Came From

Prompt: Personal Statement 1
Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

Here is my essay

Before attending high school, I was good at mathematics and science. However, like many other Chinese students, I thought that doing well in these subject could help me get into an excellent college and become a wealthy man in the future. So I just kept good grades and seldom delved into them.

When I attended high school, my teachers found my talent for mathematics and science. They ardently encouraged me to explore science and supported me to conduct research.. My physics teacher used to teach me some advanced physical methods and theories after class. I acquired a lot of fundamental knowledge about statistics physics, atomic physics and quantum mechanics. My chemistry teacher usually asked me to assist him to do lecture experiments. From these experiments, I mastered some important experimental skills such as distillation, filtration, and dissolution. Gradually, I developed my interest in mathematics and science. In class, I listened carefully to my teachers and shared my own ideas with them. In my spare time, I usually observed physical phenomena and tried to use my knowledge to explain them. In addition, I did my own experiments in my school laboratory under my teacher's supervision. After the experiments, I analyzed the datas and sometimes had surprising and unexpected discoveries. I also cooperated with my classmates to organized a physics club and published some insightful research papers in my school magazine, which could develop my leadership. My achievement in numerous science competitions also inspired me to pursue further study at college. As the saying goes,"wisdom in the mind is better than money in the hand", I made up my mind to become a scientific researcher instead of a rich person during high school.

Therefore, I firmly believe that my high school had a great influence on me. It has shaped my dream of becoming a famous scientist and my aspiration to make contribution to human society. I hope one day I may come up with an applicable idea to generate nuclear fusion to solve energy crisis.

Is there any feedback!?

Here are some errors I can find.

I thought that doing well in these subjects could help me get into an prestigious college....

I also cooperated with my classmates to organize a physics club and publish ....

Thanks! Any more feedback?

The questions asks you "how your world has shaped your dreams and inspirations", and judging by your last sentences your teachers have influenced you to become the next famous scientist. You also listed out lots of real-life examples in experimenting after school and at home to show your interest in the subjects, so what really inspired you to shift your goal from becoming wealthy to becoming a scientist? There is very little dialogue that shows how you have been impacted from the experiments - just saying that you were "inspired" because of competitions won't work, cut out more on what you did, and write more on why you did it.

Thanks for you help

It has shaped my dream of becoming a famous scientist
It has shaped up my dream to become a famous scientist

Now see my edited (improved) essay.

Before attending high school, I was good at mathematics and science. However, like many other Chinese students, I thought that doing well in these subject could help me get into a prestigious college and become a wealthy man in the future. So I just kept good grades and seldom delved into them.

When I got into my high school: Guangzhou No.5 Middle School, I found it had wonderful learning atmosphere , great facilities and teaching method. The teachers were very friendly and devoted themselves to their educational careers, the libraries and laboratories were always open for students and some scientists and inventors were invited to give speeches. My high school also offered college preparation curriculum and lots of research opportunities. This excellent academic enviroment greatly stimulated my passion for science.

Shortly after I attended high school, my teachers found my scientific talent. They ardently encouraged me to explore science and supported me to conduct research. My physics teacher used to teach me some advanced physical methods and theories after class. I acquired a lot of fundamental knowledge about statistics physics, atomic physics and quantum mechanics. My chemistry teacher usually asked me to assist him to do lecture experiments. I mastered some important experimental skills such as distillation, filtration, and dissolution. Gradually, I developed my interest in science and mathematics and began to learn autonomously. I thought as my school provided me with so many opportunities to study science, I should make good use of them and try to enhance my deficient manipulative ability. Thus, I was inspired to do my own experiments in my school laboratory under my teachers' supervision. After the experiments, I analyzed the data and sometimes had surprising and unexpected discoveries. From these experiments, I understood the charm of science, ameliorated my analytical techniques, and greatly developed my creativity. Because many of my classmates also loved science, I cooperated with them to organize a physics club. We discussed many difficult problems, shared our innovative ideas, and published some papers in my school magazines. I was pleased to developed my communication skills and leadership. As the saying goes,"wisdom in the mind is better than money in the hand", I was passionate about science and made up my mind to become a scientific researcher instead of a rich person during high school.

Therefore, I firmly believe that my high school had a great influence on me. It has shaped my dream of becoming a famous scientist and my aspiration to make contribution to human society. I hope one day I may come up with an applicable idea to generate nuclear fusion to solve energy crisis.