The choir teacher - UBC: Explain How You Responded To A Problem

I'm applying for UBC Sauder and currently writing my personal profile. I would really appreciate any feedback that I can get, thank you.

EXPLAIN HOW YOU RESPOND TO THE PROBLEM AND/OR AN FAMILIAR SITUATION.

What did you do, what was the outcome, and what did you learn from the experience? (1500 character limit)

I was in my 10th grade year when the choir teacher would end up having to leave a rehearsal early only a few weeks away from a concert due to an emergency. She asked me to run the rehearsal while she was gone because of my ability to play the piano, and I said yes, being too afraid to refuse her. but with no idea what to do and an entire choir staring at me, I began feeling stressed and anxious. As such, I began first by breathing to calm down and assessing the situation. I recalled my choir teacher's methods of leading the rehearsal, and I began leading the choir through each of the songs we had chosen to perform for the concert. When I heard mistakes, I was originally scared to correct them, fearing that they would be offended. With the concert close however, I swallowed my fear and voiced my concerns regardless. I was met with mixed feedback, but they corrected themselves, nonetheless. When the concert happened a few weeks later, it was a success, and I was happy with our performance. From this experience I improved at talking to people and staying calm during stressful situations. I've felt more confident in taking the initiative in class discussions and group projects, and I've found myself being more willing to try new things. While going outside of my comfort zone is still scary each time, I can move forward knowing that things will be alright as long as I take time to calm down, evaluate the situation, and move forward with confidence.

The essay needs to provide more clarity, What does the 10th grade have to do with choir? Was this a school choir event? A church choir event? A social choir / glee club event? How do the 2 references connect? It would also appear that the choir master never returned to practice and training sessions? Why was this so? Or did the choir master return before the concert? How did the choirmasters assess the performance of the applicant in response to the problem of choir training / practice? There are several reference points that are missing from this statement that should be included to help clarify certain end results, specifically as to why the candidate was proud of the choir performance during the concert. Overall though, this is a good personal experience reference point as it shows a true character development through overcoming personal obstacles, apprehensions, and shortcomings.

@Wigic
I think you need to structure the essay with more context. I would suggest you use the STAR method to provide more clarity without exceeding the word limit.