This is my essay for UIUC undergrad application. I have no experience with this type of essay at all.
I am interested in Computer Science and Computer Engineering, but I am not confident nor clear to choose either because of my not-so-good-looking GPA.
I am looking for help on grammar, sentence structures, and choosing either version 1 or 2 for the fourth paragraph. And please also point out if I am being to vague and where, and what is unnecessary and a brief why.
ANY COMMENTS/HELP WILL BE APPRECIATED, THANK YOU!
Essay 1: In an essay of 300 words or less, please discuss your academic interests and/or professional goals.
Having been introduced, and since then played around with computers from the age of six; from a Windows 98 Celeron Compaq to a Windows XP Athlon X2 HP which I am using right now, I have the confidence to say that I am just as good as a Dell technician, that goes to houses to diagnose computers and exchange parts, if not better.
My parents and relatives all say that I am naturally good with electronics. For example, I was the first one in my family to figure out how to change the volume on a newly arrived amp when I was three. And later, when they ask me what I wanted to do when I grow up, I always answered, "scientist," because I was just "naturally good" with those things, so I thought. But the first time when I touched a computer, I was fascinated, and I knew that I was going to study way more about it. And at that point on I told them that I wanted to become a "computer scientist" (I did not know that job actually existed at that point).
In 1998, my mom started her own IT company, and I went to her company almost every day after school, to learn about computers from the "tech guy" there. (And I was the first person in my class to know how to install Windows 98.) From the business talks during meetings, to conversations with my mom about making important decisions, I learned a lot about business, too, and wanted to start my own company.
[Version1 for P4]
As time went on, I learned more about hardware and the operational systems. Then in the summer of 2006, I came to United States, and that gave me a better studying opportunity. Later that year, I "accidentally" discovered University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign when reading the copyright statements while I was playing with my pocket PC phone: "Portions of this software are based on NCSA Mosaic. NCSA Mosaic™ was developed by the National Center for Supercomputing Applications at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign." Then as I did more research online, I found out that UIUC has one of the top five computer science major nationwide. From that point on, I decided UIUC would be the dream school of mine to study computer science at.
[Version2 for P4]
As time went, I learned more about the hardware, operational systems, and a little bit of programming, too. But junior year, when I started researching for colleges, I was confused, although my goal seemed so clear for many years. "Computer science or computer engineering," I asked myself countless times, but could not make the decision. And with my grades due to the more challenging classes in CAA, I can only think of choosing undeclared first to sharpen my English skills required for colleges while finding out more about those two majors. But regardless of which I choose, UIUC is still my dream school to "study computers" at.
My parents and relatives all say that I am naturally good with electronics. For example, I was the first one in my family to figure out how to change the volume on a newly arrived amp when I was three. When they ask me what I wanted to do when I grow up, I always answered, "scientist." But the first time when I touched a computer, I was fascinated, and I knew that I was going to study way more about it. And at that point on I told them that I wanted to become a "computer scientist" (I did not know that job actually existed at that point).
Can't start sentence with "But"
Heavily Revised, very different from first draft:
The first time I touched a computer, I was six and I was fascinated by it. Out of curiosity, I once took my "expensive" computer apart to try to take a look at what was inside "the magic machine." Over the years, my interest in computer grew stronger and stronger as I came to know it more and more. After I came in third in a citywide computer competition in my hometown Chongqing, I told my family that I wanted to be a "computer scientist" in the future.
In 1998, my mom returned to China from the US after her graduate study and started her own IT company, and I went to her company almost every day after school to learn about computers from the "tech guys" there. Therefore, I had had a lot of hands-on learning experience of different operating systems, including various Windows versions, Linux, and Mac OS. I set up my home network system and helped people troubleshoot computer problems. People joked that I could go make money by being a computer troubleshooter. *should I use "I could make money by starting my own bushiness"? Because still, this does not relate to CS or computer engineering much*
In the summer of 2006, I came to the US for my high school study. While my major at the Chicago Academy for the Arts is Media Art, my interest in computer never winds down. In fact, I used my computer skills to edit the films faster and fix the computer problems for my school.
While my goal seems clear for many years - to study computer, I am still not sure whether I should take computer science or computer engineering as my college major. Therefore, I would like to apply as undeclared first to win more time and knowledge to make the right decision that best suits me. But regardless of whatever I choose, your school is my dream school to "study computer."
ANY COMMENTS WILL BE APPRECIATED, THANKS AGAIN!
