Why I chose to apply to UCF? (my journey to success)

This is not the finished product, but I would like to know if it sounds to generic, what I can do to improve it? and any other advice you have.

When I had to make a decision about what step I would be taking next to better my life, the University of Central Florida was at the top of my list. If I am granted the opportunity to attend UCF, all of the numbers in the world could not add up to what it would be worth to me. Some of the best things that I've came across in my life are priceless. Amongst having a close family, close friends and finding true love, the benefit of getting a quality education is something that is very important to me. It cannot be sold to or brought from me. Yet, it is one of the biggest investments that I will make in my lifetime.

Fifty years from now when I am sitting in my rocking chair, thinking about my past accomplishments, I want to be able to reminisce about the valuable decisions I have made in my life. It would make me happy to be a part of the history of a university that has climbed up the ladder of success from the start.

It would be an honor to gain acceptance to UCF. I have done my research on the university and I know that this is the right choice for me. The diversity of the student body shows that UCF is a school that represents everyone. The variety of degree programs prove that the school is interested in providing people of various backgrounds with many options. It shows that UCF is a place of open arms. It is a place that wants to see me fulfill my goals.

I have read that over 70% of the staff at UCF has doctorate degrees. Getting accepted to UCF is not only about getting into a top university, but to me it means being accepted into a family of people who will guide me on my journey to success. It also means that I will be surrounded by positive role models who will be my constant reminders of the reward you get from being persistent.

^Horrible way to start an essay. This is just so cliche


^None of this is relevant as to why you are choosing to apply UCF. You are just unnecessarily lauding the University, but you are not giving any reasons why you think UCF is great. This makes it sound, as if you yourself do not really know what UCF has to offer.


^You can infact remove everything before this paragraph, and start with this one. You make points on what interests you about UCF. I think you should develop these points, and say what really makes that point interesting to you, as a person. For example, why does diversity representing everyone mean something to you?

Also, the last line, there really is nothing in your essay to support that claim, hence why some development is required.


^You just point out a statistic, but do not apply it to yourself. It looks like youve read something, but do not know the value of that statistic.

I don't see what is wrong with the second paragraph. I'm implying that it would be a great memory to look back on. Also in the last paragraph, I am trying to imply that since a majority of the staff has doctorate degrees, they are equipped to show me what it takes to accomplish your goals.

I thought I was pretty clear when I said:



^So what? If you are applying to a University, just so that you can sit in a rocking chair some fifty years later, and think to yourself 'Hmm, I made some valuable decisions in life' then ok, leave that in there (Even though you do not make it clear that one of the valuable decisions of your life would be going to UCF, provided that it accepts you)


^Do not try to imply. Such implications are never clear. State and discuss the relative importance to you.
Also, since when did people with doctorate degrees become equipped to show one what it takes to accomplish goals? Without my doctorate degree, let alone my undergrad degree, I can say that to accomplish your goals, it depends on yourself really.

I'm revising the essay now. Maybe you should tone down your ctriticism.

^First of all it is 'criticism'.

Also, you asked:


^If you have specifically requested for advice and feedback to improve, as well as in the thread title, then why are you getting so sensitive?

It was not even criticism. It was just pointing out anomalies.

Edit:

I really do not get why I should tone down. It is not as if I said anything that made, or could make, you cry.

I don't know you so nothing you say could make me cry, but what I mean by toning down is try being less sarcastic and more suggestive. To my understanding, the personal statement is about the individual who is writing it and what being accepted to the school will have on there life. I do agree that the part where I implied that having a doctorate degree means someone is successful is a stereotype.

Lol. K, even though I am unfamiliar with the idea of having to know some one in order to cry but kk, good to know.


^I was suggestive enough. I was suggestive the first time, until you challenged my suggestions, which is fine, but when you say something like


It comes off as that you are just being too defensive and not open to other suggestions. I was not being 'sarcastic', I was just being realistic in what I believe was a comedic fashion.


^Yes. And the paragraphs that I believe were redundant do neither of these.

Ok. Thanks.

Why I chose to apply to UCF? ~Revised~

It would be an honor to gain acceptance to the University of Central Florida. I have done my research on the university and I know that this is the right choice for me. The diversity of the student body shows that UCF is a school that represents everyone. The variety of degree programs prove that the school is interested in providing people of various backgrounds with many options. It shows that UCF is a place of open arms and a place where everyone will feel welcomed. Something that UCF and I have in common is that we realize that people's lives lead them down different paths, but it doesn't mean that some people should not be treated with an acceptable level of respect and equal opportunities.

Growing up with my elderly, sick grandparents, I have made many visits to hospitals, nursing homes and other facilities where people depend on someone to make them feel comfortable and at ease. Unfortunately, I was not satisfied with the service that the staff at many of the facilities provided. My grandfather was a blind man and when I would visit him his food would be sitting at the end of his bed untouched. It seemed that no one on the staff cared enough to put their time into helping him. I thought to myself, "Who is in charge of hiring these people? What can I do to contribute to the betterment of how a medical facility is run?" This is when I discovered that I wanted to be a health services administrator. I would make it my duty to choose a staff of people who possess the best qualities and who can prove that they are committed to treating people with compassion, no matter what their situation may be. I believe it is important that the staff as well as the patients are happy and I would execute a plan that does both.

It would be an honor to gain acceptance to the University of Central Florida. I have done my research on the university and I know that this is the right choice for me.

It shows that UCF is a place of open arms and a place where everyone will feel welcomed.redundant

I thought to myself, "Who is in charge of hiring these people? What can I do to contribute to the betterment of how a medical facility is run?"This is a little arrogant. You may question the organization of the facility but not its employees. Employees are human beings. You cannot assume that they are consciously ignoring your grandfather because they are lazy. They obviously delivered his food.

I would make it my duty to choose a staff of people who possess the best qualities and who can prove that they are committed to treating people with compassion, no matter what their situation may be.I don't understand what you mean by "no matter what their situation may be" but if your employee's child dies in a car crash I wouldn't expect them to be gentle and compassionate the next day. Would you fire them in that case?

I do not sense your compassionate qualities in this essay. I would think that someone who is critical of others should first check themselves. It sounds like you want to be an administrator because you want to hire nice people. I see a problem with this. Also, I see no connection between your introduction and the rest of your essay.

and this is said perfectly

i dont see the connection either. honeslty you started to lose me at the part about your grandfather and nursing home and stuff. i didnt understand where it was coming from. you need a better transition from your wanting to go to the school yto the why.

the ending was a little flat as well.

good luck!

*Grin* Here we go again.

Feedback comes in many forms. Forum members can point out grammar mistakes and no one gets their panties in wad, but as soon as someone suggests that the content is unclear, off-track, cliche, redundant, or irrelevant, the undergarments start inching up.

If you really only want a pat on the head and a rubber stamp, ask your mom to proofread for you. If grammar corrections are the only thing you desire, state that up front. But if you want to know how readers perceive your writing and use feedback to construct a stronger essay, then be prepared to view criticism with an open mind. The criticism isn't personal. It isn't mean-spirited. It is just a reaction to the written word.

As authors, we don't always see the forest for the trees. This forum helps people to really evaluate the forest and the trees. If someone were simply to tell you, "What a lovely view," it would not be helpful. Pointing out specific grammar errors is akin to teaching you about the trees (or species of trees), but showing you the forest is where the real value is.

Quite the comparison Noto. All of your points are valid. However we have to remember that although people post their essays up for our critisism, they also secretly want us to point out the quality aspects of their writing as well. There's nothing better than an unbias and random person complementing your writing. No matter how many problems there are, lets boost some self-esteem here while we're at it. It's good for the writer.

Llamapoop123
I meant no matter what the patient's situation may be. But, your criticism is very helpful. Thanks.

Ahhh I see. My bad.

tal105

The nursing home stuff is why I wanted to become a health services administrator. But I will try to establish my points better and I do appreciate your feedback. Thank you.

MieMie09
But, you guys are right. The essay shifts topics and the topics don't run smoothly into the other. I will make changes and repost the essay.

True, true, true. I do try to add some praise, or at least some encouragement that not all hope is lost, to my posts. Liebe sees the forest. Liebe sometimes uses strong words, but with our society's everyone-gets-a-participation-trophy-just-for-showing-up attitude, strong words are needed to jolt people out of their complacency with mediocre efforts (MieMie--this is not directed at you so please don't take it personally). College admittance is competitive. Instead of handing out gold stars, admission personnel are judging and ranking candidates. I'd rather be told here that I had a horrible introduction to an essay than have that same thought go through the admission staffer's mind. It sounds like I am arguing. I am not. I agree with you. I agree with Liebe too. Without a formula, we all have different approaches. Each approach has its merits.

There's nothing better than an unbiased and random person complimenting your writing? I'd rather have chocolate than compliments. I'm practical like that, *grin*. I'd rather have an extra three hours to sleep in the morning too. I'd rather have a foot massage from a supermodel. Speaking of random and unbiased people complimenting your writing ... Llamapoop, you are very good at giving feedback. You really know your stuff and take time/care with your responses. I'd really like to see contributor next to your name.

^My contributions on this site are not limited to spell checking. Therefore, an advanced machine would be more suitable. I like the concept of advanced, and the machine suggests that I do an efficient job as well.

^Noto's post was an amazing read.
Well Llamapoop, if it is a secret intention, then it will remain a secret intention. That is what secrets are for.
I think that commenting on the weaknesses of an essay, and making them very clear to the writer, should be more of a motivator to them to want to do something good and improve their essay, rather than a 'Good job. You wrote a fantastic essay'. By saying that 'Good job etc', the writer can easily get disillusioned to the point that he/she may think it is good, when in reality, it sucks. That is why criticism is so much more useful. It gets straight to the point, and the point is delivered immediately.

Strong writers will allows react positively to meaningful and valid feedback.

If there really isn't anything about the essay that is well written or if there isn't any good points then the writer should really start over.


I knew you would say that ;)


Thank you :D
Although I do have a long way to go. My judgement is flawed a lot of the time. I sometimes go back and read my posts O.o Painful haha.