Prompt: Please submit a one-page, single-spaced essay that explains why you have chosen Carnegie Mellon and your particular major(s), department(s) or program(s). This essay should include the reasons why you've chosen the major(s), any goals or relevant work plans and any other information you would like us to know. If you are applying to more than one college or program, please mention each college or program you are applying to. Because our admission committees review applicants by college and programs, your essay can impact our final decision. Please do not exceed one page for this essay.
College. A single word with an infinite number of definitions. It is a place to further their intelligence, to take courses that they have never heard of before, to gain experience in fields not possible in high school. To some, it is a place they attend strictly for educational purposes. Their goals are to attain knowledge and skill for the success of their future. To others, it is the epitome of freedom, unrestrained by the rules of their parents and capable of deciding what they want to do. To me, it is a second home. Education is of course a priority and freedom is enjoyable, but what completes the college life is the environment a student lives in. What good is a college with superb education, but with a dull and heavy environment? What good is unlimited freedom when peers are not focused on the their main reason for coming to college and just enjoying themselves? A perfect environment would be of one that is strict enough to keep me motivated to trying my best, while being loose enough to let me breathe and enjoy college life.
So why Carnegie Mellon University, a university that is known to have a rigorous curriculum and exceptionally hardworking students? I know firsthand what a welcoming place it is. Because of my brother, a currently attending student, I have been to Carnegie Mellon countless times, mostly to drop him off or pick him up, but also for several college tours. I even got to meet some of the DA's, students, and faculty members due to my numerous visits and connections through my brother. Although I have toured a handful of colleges, none were as welcoming and warm as Carnegie Mellon. Although the school itself may be considered small in population relative to others, it does not lose in its vitality and enthusiasm in all aspects. It is professional enough to encourage students, but not so much as to discourage them. Out of the students that I have met, not a single person has said that they do not enjoy Carnegie Mellon; everyone was and is proud to be a Carnegie Mellon student or alumnus. My affinity for the university only strengthened.
Carnegie Mellon has a superb Business school. US News (usnews.com) ranked Carnegie Mellon as #23 nationally, and #9 in the "Best Undergraduate Business Programs". The reason I am interested in business particularly is because of how I grew up. As both my parents are business majors, my father in economics and my mother in accounting, it was not unusual to hear conversations about the economy from an early age. Those conversations initially sparked my interest; I was curious enough to question what they were talking about and even voice my own opinions, although I was only a child and nowhere old enough to fully comprehend. As I grew up and moved from South Korea to the United States, I learned both the similarities and differences of the economic system in both countries. As we entered into the worldwide financial crisis that still affects us today, my family was greatly affected. Because my father recently changed his job, his pay was noticeably lessened. With a four-person family, and one child going to college soon, a decline in available expenses was inevitable. I know first-hand how it feels to go from having some economic freedom to being limited by a budget within a short period of time.
I want to major in business not only for my own future but for the futures of others. Although I personally went through an economic crisis of my own, I am also aware that my problems are microscopic compared to others'. I believe I could be a pioneer to helping to resolve the financial crisis in the future. Attending Carnegie Mellon University, a university that is famous for its outstanding business program, would make that dream a reality.
I would take out the rankings data. That makes it look like you're interested only in the number (which may or may not be true), which is bad from the admission's perspective. Take this part out and use the space to talk more about your experiences at the university. If you want to talk about the strength of its programs, talk specifically about a certain sequence or course or professor that you're interested in.
"Although I personally went through an economic crisis of my own" - either explain or don't put it in at all.
Also, in the first paragraph, who is this 'they' you keep referring to?
So here's the thing
If you want to make it interesting you should use stronger words.
Do not say: none of the students said he did not like cmu
Say, every student was fascinated. They passed that fascination upon me.
And the business part. The personal situation like the loss of your father's job is much more interesting than something like the talks about business of your fathers.
And at times it is just so formal, no passion comes through.
Show your passion and do not hide behind formal language.
Then you have the potential to make a really good essay.
Hope this helps.
I would really like for you to give me some feedback on my essay. I am quite desperate right now.
