Hello everybody,
Not the best of essays, but please, please, please feel free to give any comments.
I especially welcome harsh criticisms. :D
Prompt: Travel or living experiences in other countries
After much consideration, I finally chose to go to Kenya for my school trip. It was not an easy decision to make. My friends frequently warned me about contracting diseases, and being disturbed by visions of a much undeveloped country. If I was equipped with yellow fever, typhoid, hepatitis injections, and 36 days worth of malaria pills, how could I possibly contract diseases if I was vaccinated from the most common diseases in Kenya? Moreover, did the photos about the poverty stricken, famine threatened, and undeveloped Kenya really highlight a common and serious issue?
Upon arrival at the Kenyan airport, not only did I have to walk through a small, low-class airport, but I found it awkward to walk through a place where people with pale skin were rare. When I walked out of the airport, I knew that I was in a different world. The pavements were rocky, the road surfaces were worn out, most of the buildings appeared as if they were about to collapse, and the people were walking without shoes. When we went on safari, the Masai people were living in "houses" that were built of cow dung, straw and rain. The tribal girls were getting married at 16 years old, and the boys were not going to school but taking care of their family. When we were touring the vicinity of the slums of Nairobi, I was seeing people who were surviving on just one loaf of bread per day, as well as people with all kinds of diseases. It was a totally different world that was in stark contrast with my hometown, Hong Kong, where I would see people in black suits, glassy skyscrapers, and myriad shopping arcades.
When we arrived at a local primary school to carry out community service, the warm welcome we received could not have been better. The whole school was out to greet us, all the students sang a Kenyan traditional song, and we were greatly entertained. However, when were given a tour of the small school, in which I saw rudimentary toilets, small and undeveloped classrooms, a soccer pitch that had no markings, and classrooms with no lights, I could not forgive myself for being incognizant of the realities of Africa. As I was sweating, persisting with labor work even after contracting food poisoning symptoms, and working my muscles to build wooden desks and a netball court for the poor school children, I felt urged to support and encourage those who were less fortunate as me.
As Confucius once said, "I hear and I forget, I see and I remember, I do and I understand." regardless of how many photos of life in Africa I have seen, how many books about Africa that I have read, it was through this trip that I truly understood the reality of Africa. The whole trip transformed me. When my school offered community service opportunities to help the disabled, I would sign up immediately. Whenever I reminded myself of the Kenyan children with limited access to educational resources and an extremely low-class life, I felt fortunate yet ashamed of myself for once believing that my living environment was not enough. I promised myself to take full advantage of my prosperous background.
A good effort so far. The only real problem I see with this one is that you don't adequately cover the reasons for your shift in opinion. You start out thinking that your trip to Africa will lead to your getting sick in a poor, run-down area of the world that lacks modern amenities. You then go to Africa, where you get sick in a poor, run-down area of the world that lacks modern amenities. This is a bit of a problem, because you then talk about how your experience of Africa was so much different from what you had read about it, when the experiences you describe are in fact exactly what you had been prepared for. I'd split the first paragraph into two, and add some more description to the second one dealing with how exactly the experience changed your feelings, so that your final paragraph seems to connect more logically to the ones before it.
Any more critiques? Are there any parts that need more corrections? Please feel free to give me additional comments.
Sean,
Thanks for the feedback.
I've changed the focus of the essay slightly, but I'm not sure whether it sufficiently corrects the mistake.
Pretty good overall in my opinion. What I think you could improve on (don't get me wrong; I'm not saying it's bad) is your opening sentence since it is essentially what needs to draw the reader in, or at least make them interested.
On another note, this may sound kinda personal but (just out of curiosity) what school do you go to?? I just left HK this year so I saw your reference to the Yangshuo trip and thought you might have gone to Shatin College cause we had one of those trips for our CAS week last year. Then I read on and realized we didn't have a Kenya trip.. :P
Well, since you want to see the reality of your essay, I'll what I think of it.
If you are not limited by some space, I suggest you write some more on
First of all, did you say why you choose to go to Africa? Or were you picked to go? I think you should make this point clear since you did not seem to like that place lot.
Also, you said that living there was a strong contrast with life in Hong Kong. Maybe you should write a sentence or two about it. I've been to Hong Kong, but not Kenya. However, when I write about two different places, I compare them. Your writing is like compare apple to orange, you depicts apple well, but you didn't write about orange. Don't assume that readers know what life in Hong Kong is like or experienced it.
But overall, I think you did a pretty good job.
Hope this helps,
Angela629
Hey everybody,
Any more feedback? Thanks for the advice anyway, but I'm not sure how I should hook the admission officers.
Only a pretty good? Not even an excellent? (It has to be excellent, because it's for harvard :D )
FYI, I go to South Island School. :D
Your second draft is much better. It is clear how what you saw change your view of the world, which is great. You might want to mention a bit more about Hong Kong, though, Angela629 is right about that. I'd add the material in near the beginning of the essay. You can also maybe discuss how complacent you felt living there, so that your last sentence ties back to your introduction.
I'll add an idea about this first sentence:
I finally chose to go to Kenya for my school trip, but it wasn't an easy decision to make.
You can add to the clarity and fullness of this by explaining this way:
After much consideration, I finally chose to go to Kenya for my school trip. It was not an easy decision to make.
Kevin,
What are your feelings and comments about this essay?
Here is one I missed!!
As Confucius once said, "I hear and I forget, I see and I remember, I do and I understand."
Get rid of that comma after "understand."
Now, the essay itself is awesome. It shows a sense of responsibility and positive regard for others. You used a sense of "shame" to show your love for people. I think you don't realize how good it is!!
I think you've covered all the bases pretty well. Is there anything before the prompt on the application that suggests anything else you should mention?
Otherwise, good job! :)
Nope. Nothing else.
Would it be OK for me to use this as my princeton essay as well?
Prompt: Using a favorite quotation from an essay or book you have read in the last three years as a jumping point, tell us about an event or experience that helped you define one of your values or changed how you approach the world. Please write the quotation at the beginning of the essay.
(I would put the quotation in the last paragraph at the beginning)
