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Christian private school - Requesting Critique for UC Prompt 1



nachichi 2 / 2  
Nov 27, 2009   #1
Prompt reiteration (most of you probably remember this by heart now, haha): Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

I still vividly recall mornings that began with singing hymns and lunch breaks when it was imperative that we first said grace. Aside from usual subjects like English and math, I studied the Bible. But while the other students were attending church on Sunday, I was going to the Buddhist temple school on Saturday.

Before my parents transferred me to the public school system, for my first three years of education I attended a Christian private school. Conversations were awkward whenever someone noticed my necklace, which depicted an image of the Buddha. No, I did not pray before going to bed, nor did I say grace with my family during meals. Most of the time, this short and succinct reply to queries quickly ended the discussion. One time, however, a girl refused to let the topic die, demanded that I convert, else I not go to heaven, and asked God to "forgive me for my sins".

Having been introduced to prejudice, I realized that there were probably others in the world with such an opinion and was consequently motivated to avoid becoming such a person. Concluding that such a characteristic was often rooted in misinformation and ignorance, I vowed to keep an open mind. Thus, I have come to avoid forming opinions based solely on what I am told by others and prefer relying on my own hands-on experiences and observations. I have grown fond of experimentation and trying new things. These experiences have often yielded valuable skills in addition to expanding my perspective on life.

For instance, rather than dismiss a culinary arts regional occupations program as something for people who did not expect to get into college, as others at my school did, I was one of three to sign up. My participation in the course has taught me that it is nothing of the sort. They have given me skills that I could apply to real life, not all of them necessarily pertaining specifically to cooking; I have, for instance, honed problem solving skills in learning to improvise when a recipe takes a turn for the worse.

The discomforting feelings of alienation that I faced as a child attending a Christian private in spite of Buddhist faith opened my eyes to the prejudice which weaves itself into the world. As a result, I continue to aim towards becoming a member of society whose bias-if any-was based on personal experience rather than preconceived notions as influenced by others. The new things I try as I strive towards creating my own opinions on them have even surprised me with their own lessons to be learned.

Notes:I feel like I need a lot of help with my transitions (most notably is probably from the third last paragaph to the second last one). I was trying to explain the culinary class was an example of how I liked to try things out, which stemmed from the motivation to expand my horizons, which was inspired(?) by my time at the private school.

meisj0n 8 / 214  
Nov 27, 2009   #2
first sentence grammar is off. that paragraph is somewhat strange too. aside from...I studied the Bible...by yourself? in class?

I have grown fond of experimentation and trying new things.

tell more about how before ending the paragraph. try making each paragraph have a central topic that flows better. Your first sentences of each paragraph are long winded btw. keep tense consistent > when a recipe took a turn...

I don't see much in your essay about how you make your own conclusions from experience. about that cooking experience, make a topic sentence along the lines of, While many would consider culinary arts non-consequential for college, my decision to register for a program (gave me/taught me) ___. as for a transition from the previous paragraph, I'm not sure if this^ will help.

Comments: your world, your experience, your unwillingness to accept for truth what others tell you to accept but want firsthand knowledge, that's all good I guess. However, keep it focused? and mention/show how this affects your dream/aspirations...also, I'm still confused about the Christian/Buddhist inferences...maybe focus more on the not-wanting-to-be-biased aspect and go from there.

Good luck with your app!


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