Chubby Charm - MY COMMON APP ESSAY

HEEELP!!
My essay is not very strong but I have no time to write a whole new essay. How can I make this essay better? Please check my grammar and critique my idea!!

Common App Essay: 6) Topic of your choice

Chubby Charm

In the spring of junior year, I fell in love with the best looking guy at my school. Being fairly close friends since sixth grade, I never expected this to happen. (Sounds familiar right?) However, I told myself that I had a good reason for fancying him--not because he was visually impressive but because he was a diligent and thoughtful person.

Being a typical high school guy, I cannot deny the fact that he was immature, silly and materialistic. Moreover, he liked prim-looking girls. In front of girls, he was less barbaric and more civilized but around his guy friends, he transformed himself to a chimpanzee, wrestling and clamoring. My crush also tried to act "cool" by refusing to admit the fact that he was hardworking and serious. Like all teenagers, he was having an identity crisis and I did too.

Plump, short, and my face spotted here and there with pimples, I was definitely not the center of attention especially when the girls in my grade were considered as the prettiest bunch in school and when the guys had high expectations of how a girl must look. The diversity at my school did not make things any better. With western blood in them, my classmates had outstanding looks and they knew it. They had long slender legs, a prim face, and soft shimmering hair. Me, on the other hand had chunky short legs, a completely round face and pitch black wiry Asian hair that scattered all over the place. To throw me deeper into the gloom, the IB nurtured the black circles under my eyes--darker and larger. In the morning, while my classmates embellished their faces with mascaras and lipsticks, I tried to gain every possible seconds of sleep deprived by the IB. I was occasionally baffled by my looks but the "Intensive Beating" made my visual complexities the least of my troubles. However, like all teenagers, I was sensitive of the eyes that surrounded me. I just tried not to face such a problem.

After a dreadful session of math class, it was finally lunch break. Hoping to have a mind-relaxing break and a chance to talk to my crush, a few of us gathered around one table. That day, our conversation was about the girls in our grade--I saw an unpleasant outcome charging towards me.

After evaluating a few of the candidates from our grade, the guys started to evaluate the girls at the table. There were three other girls at the table and the guys "graded" them quite highly. It was now my turn. My lips pursed. I wanted to vanish.

"Well Fuko, you're a little too chubby," my crush said in a casual tone.
All the guys laughed. There it goes, his honest opinion towards me. I knew that I was chubby and that made it more embarrassing. However, I tried to hide my uneasiness and laughed along with the crowd. That single comment made me question why I even admired him--I was somehow capable of dismissing his evident flaws and liked him for only his admirable qualities.

That evening during dinner, I told my mother what he told me. In response, my mother said "Well, he's very truthful. You are chubby." An exceedingly unexpected and discouraging comment but she went on. "You can fancy someone as much as you want for their looks but you'd probably get bored of him. Look at me and your father. Your father isn't so visually compelling is he, yet I married him. Charm and personality is the key to marriage my dear. You'll always find something new and intriguing about your beloved even after a few decades. How would a teenage boy know what a real charm is? "

Although I refused to understand my mother's philosophy, I did. My ex-crush probably did not intentionally critique me in a disrespectful way but I found it insulting and disrespectful. The attraction I had disappeared the moment he flushed out those words from his lips. However, I do not hate him. We are teenagers and this is who he was and who I was. In the middle of a learning process, we stumble over the smallest things in life and this is what I had stumbled over. My typical Japanese features, and dark circles due to my effort at school individualizes me. Now that I have reached "enlightenment," it is time for me to nurture my inner charm. Thank you my ex-crush! Now I shall depart.

Overall, I thought it was a very well written and relatable. You connect your meaning behind your story well, but I think you could spend a little more time on the conclusion and how it really effected you. Less time on narrative. I hope I helped!!!

ALSO: Grammar I noticed.

Me , on the other hand had chunky short legs, a completely round face and pitch black wiry Asian hair that scattered all over the place. It should be "I".

mascara and lipstick . There should be no "s".

If you have time, please read my essays as well!!! They are due in a few days too!!! :) Thanks!

Like all teenagers, he was having an identity crisis, and I did too.

This was an exceedingly unexpected and discouraging comment but she went on. "You can fancy someone as much as you want for their looks but you'd probably get bored of him. Look at me and your father. Your father isn't so visually compelling, is he? Yet, I married him. Charm and personality are the key to marriage my dear.

This is very thoughtful and interesting. I think you should find a way, though, to at least mention your academic aspirations a little. Can you tell about what kind of professional you want to be? I don't want the person reading this to think you are old fashioned and only interested in getting married. At the end, I hope you'll write a sentence or two about the professional work you want to do.

"Being a typical high school guy, I cannot deny the fact that he was immature, silly and materialistic. "

FYI, you're saying that you were the typical high school guy. The way you phrased it.

You could say something like..

"Being a typical high school guy, he was undeniably immature, silly and materialistic. " etc

All specifics aside, it feels like you did a lot of reflection on the essay but you might want to bring out more of what it taught you, and how that will affect you in your future life, careers, goals, etc.

Two mechanical changes with commas:

"Your father isn't so visually compelling, is he, yet I married him."

"Thank you, my ex-crush!"

I enjoyed your essay . . . Well-written and very personal!

i agree with firetiger. the way you phrased it makes you sound like a guy. i thought you were gay at first! Just change that part. I really liked your essay and i could hear your voice in it. I'm Japanese also!

Here, "a typical high school guy" is supposed to refer to "I", which I don't think is what you intended it to be. It also seems strange that you previously mentioned that he's thoughtful and then, in this sentence you say that he is immature and silly.



Sounds awkward.



What do you mean by "Intensive Beating"?


What problem are you referring to?


Again, terms like "a few of us" cannot be used without previoiusly mentioning who the "us" are.

Hmmm... This essay does present some intriguing qualities about you, but Kevin is probably right. Include some aspects that adcoms would usually look for in an admission essay. It's a great essay nonetheless, and I think you can definitely stick with this topic.