Hi guys
I am an international student and I have finished my essays. however there is no one who can check them..
Can you please read it and tell me if there are some grammatical errors or a wrong use of the vocabulary?
Also if it is a good essay..
here is the essay
COMMON APP ESSAY
Every day, every moment of our life we are subject to important decisions. However if we think carefully most of the times life is the outcome of random circumstances. At the end the only things on which we really make a choice are the most insignificant, the ones we do not even think we are making a choice on.
The most personal one is clothing. I started experiencing the hardness of wearing when I entered in the pre-adolescence phase. Every single morning I have been struggling with my wardrobe just to find the right combinations. Perhaps I am not the only one.
What really intrigues me about wearing is how most of us deny to care about it: "Oh no, I am not that kind of person. I wear what is comfortable". Classical sentence: simple and to the point. Those are the ones who have on all the various color tones that arise in you the imagine of them staring themselves in front of the mirror for at least two hours. Thus, essentially no one admits publicly to care about their appearance/outer face. However it says something about the person, it talks to others creating an idea, an abstract imagine in their minds about an individual.
Walking on the shopping centre, My brother and I once entered OVIESSE shop and immediately a winter hat attracted his attention. He was so excited to have found it that he did not notice the ugly tag in front of it. Once he wore it, the tab clearly appeared on the mirror and his eyes became similar to those of a disillusioned child who discovered that his present was not the one he expected."I just want to wear something normal!" he muttered. All the beautiful clothes and shoes uglified by stems, numbers or whatever else that represents the designer label, were noticed that afternoon by him. I guess the word "normal" literally extinguished from our society. Alternative is the in vogue word today. Alternative people are allowed to wear everything combined in every way possible: red, yellow, blue, brown, orange. They invented the look.
Choosing what to wear has become a international problem. Perhaps this is a way of exhibition, a need of the man to be noticed. I would better call it a personal need. Wearing means feeling good, being in synch with our garments. This kind of choice embraces our necessity to be different, to distinguish our character from the others. We want to feel unique because we fear the number, the so-called mass.
In pretending to be different we make a bit of confusion. The mass is not equivalent to number. There can be millions and millions of similar people, but they can still remain individual, with their uniqueness. I think it is possible. Number is a meaningless concept, the only thing that really counts is using our unequalled head in making our personal choices, even if it has to do with such a simple thing like clothing.
pleaseeee help mee
Hello,
I really hope you are applying to a fashion university. If not, this essay will not be taken seriously. I always advise my clients to read their essays aloud. When they do this, errors that were not apparent tend to show themselves. Your essay has many errors. Although I understand you are an international students, the application essay is the one aspect that should be written well. If you want to continue to write about clothing, make it a more personal essay. Talk about an obstacle you have had, maybe with a specific garment, that is near and dear to you, and how you have grown because of an event that occurred with that item. As it stands right now, your essay is very juvenile and I doubt any admissions officer would take it and you seriously. -AAO/express
Hope This Helps
I think you used an interesting an unique concept,your focus just needs to be adjusted a bit. Rather than simply giving instances of clothing in your life,maybe you can talk about how you use clothing to express yourself or something like that,or how you feel the need to fit in/impress through your clothing,and how that contributes to who you are as a person.
good luck!
Your concept is interesting, however, you need to check over your grammar. You have a lot of awkward sentences that make the reader pause to try and figure out what you are saying, which is not good for smooth comprehension. Also some of the words you used should be used in different forms, ie, "pre-adolescent" instead of "pre-adolescence"; "classic" instead of "classical." Think about having someone you know sit down with a paper copy and just help with those things - correcting run-on sentences and punctuation, etc. I could tell you what I think needs fixing, but I think it would just get confusing for you if I attempted to list them all here. I hope this helps, good luck!
You should try to talk more about yourself. This essay does not really convey that. Maybe try a new essay topic
Dont say fetish. Maybe use fanatic
Hi! a few suggestions here:
However if we think carefully most of the times life is the outcome of random circumstances. At the end the only things on which we really make a choice are the most insignificant, the ones we do not even think we are making a choice on.
--> However if we think carefully, we would notice that most of the time, life is an outcome of random circumstances. Sometimes, we end up making unconscious decisions on insignificant things.
How do you like this revision? Im not sure if this revision changes ur content or not. This is how I interpret it, though =)
Look at them, they have on all the various color tones that arise in you the imagine of them staring themselves in front of the mirror for at least two hours.
--> Im not quite sure what you mean here. Maybe you should clarify it a bit ?
Everyone around me seem underestimate the statement a simple scarf can make.
Everyone around me seems to underestimate a statement a simple scarf can make.
I guess that it is in our nature willing to be unique because we fear the number, the so-called mass.
--> my suggestion: I guess this reflects our innate desires to be unique -- to get out of the so-called mass
Overall, the content seems good. However, I think that if you try to make your essay more concise, it would be better =)
I hope this helps!
good luck
and please take a look at my essay if you have time - giving back to your country essay
thanks =)
