"Closed Doors" personal statement: describe an obstacle in life that you solved or want to solve

The wood was freshly polished; its intoxicating smell seduced all that passed by .Some People entered, others waited, then there was I, looking at it from the bottom of a very steep and high mountain that pulled whoever didn't reach the top, down with a tremendous force. Just looking at the door gave me chills; chills of passion and commitment .It motivated me through the long and critical years of high school .I am at that point in high school when everyone is reaching for the door , it seems so "close" to everyone , yet to me it's still at a great distance .

Unlike any other door this door takes every person to a different place and to a different situation in life , most people get through right away , but for me , behind that door I see education , success and future . I see my college education, my success in life and my bright future that reflects all my hard work. I see a tree, on which there are fruits of labor that I am going to pick out with the ladder of education I am going to use. Reaching the door is not an easy task to accomplish, it took me a lot to reach my current position; many years of hard work and sleepless nights. I had a big push up the mountain for the fact that I get half the tuition fees off at my school because my parents work at it. This push gave me adrenaline to continue my hard work and think about how I am going to achieve my goal in life in becoming a mechanical engineer.

In the past months I have been slipping a bit every time looking for a way in which I can continue my higher education and have a successful career. When I reach that door and try to enter like everyone else , I will be missing something , something crucial to every student , something most students possess , the key to the big bright door , they key to education , the key to success , this key is lost in my life , lost in the big lump of ()

Finding that key takes a long journey of academic excellence and extracurricular activities filled with unforgettable moments with you loved ones .climbing the mountain and searching for the key is even a longer journey. for me that journey is at its end , it has been a very long journey filled with ups and downs , sadness and happiness , and failure and success , but the most important thing I learnt about it is that it doesn't matter how many times you fall , you have to get up and thrive to find success awaiting behind the door .The final stage has come , the stage where it all ends and starts again , but in order to start again I would need a key , the precious and valuable key of financial assistance to open the big door of education at the top of the mountain of life and experience success .

Can you please tell me if this is appropriate or not for anmerican university , the subject was describe an obstacle in life that you solved or want to solve

I have read your statement . Here you describe nicely about your life experiences. But here you should also mention your working and professional abilities.
If you are applying for further admission and that statement of purpose then it missing many things.

Hi Basil

I found your essay little bit poetic but yes it was fluent and made me read the whole essay in one go. But in the context of essay for university, I could not see if you answered the prompt or not. It was all general but the prompt asked you to mention an obstacle in your life. Something concrete , everyone has goal for success we know that and everyone do hard work to achieve that. But here what it is asking that if there was any obstacle in your path towards the goal or in life, a real incident and how you managed to deal with that situation.

Good luck :)

Basil, the whole essay was really working perfectly well in reference to the prompt. It was abstract and insightful, it showed that you value your education and face hindrances that you are more than willing to overcome in various ways. It offered the reviewer a look into the unique way that your mind works in terms of problem solving. The only problem with the essay, is that it ended with a plea for financial assistance. That totally shattered the perfect essay that you wrote, rendering it unusable.

The essay became unusable because you presented the plea for financial aid at the end of the essay. As you very well know, the prompt was asking you discuss a problem that you want to overcome or had overcome. There was nothing in the essay that allows for you to beg for financial assistance as a student because that is not a problem that fits the essay prompt. However, if the financial aspect is the problem that you are looking to overcome, then you can still use that as the topic for this essay. You just have to change the way that you present and discuss it.

Instead of waxing poetic in the statement, go direct to the point. The problem you wish to overcome is the financial situation that is making it hard for you to gain college acceptance. Then follow through with a discussion of your plans regarding how you plan to overcome the problem in order to continue your studies. Talk about seeking financial aid and other forms of student assistance. Most of all, discuss how you plan to support yourself as a student if that finances are a problem for you. As a foreign student, you won't be allowed to work at the school or anywhere else. However, you can discuss alternative forms of income such as tutoring your classmates in subjects where you excel and other similar acts.

Of course the better option would be to simply choose a new topic for the essay related to a problem you were able to solve in the past that shows your strong character points. Usually, this prompt wants the student to discuss his potential to work under pressure and succeed under adverse circumstances, which is why the prompt was set up that way.

My advice is that you choose one of the two options for revising the content of your essay. It is the best thing for you to do because your current essay failed to respond properly to the prompt at the end.

Basil, my thought on your essay is that, it is written well, there's no doubt on that, you have good flow and structure on your essay that made it easier to read as you go along. The message of your essay is clear, that life is a challenge you are willing to overcome and will do everything to be of service or any help to others.

The only flaw that I can see is the fact that you started strong on the essay, the body supported the strength of your essay, however, you ended the essay with a very weak point, to the extent of somehow, begging for financial aid. This is improper and uncalled for,you should not incorporate this issue on the essay at all. I understand that you want to write something realistic and full of emotions, but this doesn't mean that you have to beg.

Remember, the reason why you're writing the essay is for you to get a spot on the scholarship, so focus on that and keep your financial burden to yourself, don't let your essay look as if, you are just applying for the scholarship due to financial constraints, this is a fact and the admission panel know this already.

I suggest you re-write the last paragraph of your essay and keep a positive note with high hopes of getting a slice of the pie.