COLAGE and Advocacy, and Why Brown?--Common App and Supplement

I have two dads but live in a conservative town. After I came to terms with my father's orientation, I eagerly researched groups of like-situation teens. Ironically (and around the same time), the head of the New York City chapter of the Children of Lesbians and Gays Everywhere (COLAGE) contacted me, and so began my journey. Focusing on building community and working toward social justice, COLAGE introduced me to the world of advocacy. Due to my enthusiasm and dedication, I was given the title of Youth Representative and soon found myself responsible for coordinating all events for the 21-and-under group, including fundraising, online networking and facilitating all meetings. Shortly after, I was asked to represent COLAGE National in Albany to lobby for equal rights. Not only did I learn that one voice can have an impact, but that I also enjoy being that voice.

---Let me know what you think and if you feel I need to elaborate on certain parts or remove needless sentences. Thank you for all criticisms and comments!

Why Brown?

It all began with a SPARK. Three years ago, and the day before my Molecular Biology course started, my father and I spent hours exploring the campus and its surroundings. It was love at first sight. Gone were any reservations of loneliness and fear. I was home.

I quickly realized that Brown had much more to offer than its New Curriculum. It holds future friends, unique experiences and the exciting unknown. I fully expected that the luster might wear off when I returned to visit as a prospective student this past March. Everyone knows how first loves are, but my love for Brown only intensified. Where else would I be able to engage in cutting-edge research while reading books forbidden by society; delve into E. coli's genome while discussing human rights and Sophocles? And Thayer Street! Of course I have visited other schools, but Brown is the barometer to which I have held each. Its quiet excitement and welcoming demeanor make me feel as though I am already a Bruin. Only time will tell...

--I'm not sure about the ending on this one. Any suggestions?

Again, thank you all!
~Lauren =]

What was the prompt for this first essay? It is an excellent accomplishment, learning about fund raising, advocacy, and so forth.

For the first sentence:
I have two dads, and I live in a conservative town.

Here is an idea:
I learned not only that one voice can have an impact, but also that I enjoy being that voice.

Of course I have visited other schools since then , but...

Brown is a very serious school, so i think it would be good to condense the talk about Thayer Street and being a Bruin, and EXPAND your discussion of your specific academic aspirations and the way you'll use your Brown education.

Kevin,

Thank you for the response!

The prompt for the first one was the standard, "Elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities" on the Common Application (the short answer question).

As for the Brown short answer, there is another one asking why I'm drawn to the academic fields I list on the supplement, so I didn't deem it necessary to delve into that in the "Why Brown" response. You're free to disagree with me, though.

Thanks again!

Oh, I see. In order to show them your brilliant skill in composition, it might be good to mention -- in the second sentence, maybe -- that the fact that you have 2 dads led to a meaningful extracurricular activity... because that way, it's like, they asked a question, and you answered directly, just like a good interviewee, and then you use the rest to explain.

I don't know if I said that clearly.. what I mean is that I think it is good to offer a clear answer to their question right at the start, in a clever way.