'College as good as the student who attends it' - Supplementary essay for Hofstra - Why Hofstra?

I need help finalizing it.

It was a bright and sunny day when I first stepped foot on Hofstra's campus. I could not help but notice how breathtaking the view was. Immediately, I was very much intrigued to learn more about the university. As the tour continued, I could not believe how extraordinary Hofstra truly was; with its amazing curriculum and faculty, Hofstra provides a flourishing environment for its students. In addition, Hofstra's large campus and close proximity to New York City provides new opportunities and experiences for its students. After visiting the campus, reading the pamphlets, and researching on Hofstra's website, I realize that Hofstra offers what I hope to gain from my college experience. As long as I can remember, I have always wanted to help people, as well as learn about them. I believe that Hofstra University will provide an enriched environment for my career path and personal development and growth.

Hofstra University offers a variety of clubs, programs, and majors for its students to choose from. With its classes held on their beautiful Long Island campus, recognized as a national arboretum, the classroom ratio at Hofstra provides a suitable environment that will allow its students to grow and succeed in their studies. Above it all, Hofstra contains faculty members who come from all over the world, with strong industry backgrounds along with significant research work. As an individual, I believe that I will thrive in the small intimate environment of Hofstra University, especially after coming from such a small high school. In addition to its academic breadth, Hofstra offers a variety of extra-curricular activities on its campus. I am greatly excited about continuing my interest in sports, theater and dance at the university. I started dancing at the age of five, and I have performed in many of my school plays. In my final year of high school I was given the opportunity to choreograph the fall production; High School Musical. Throughout my high school experience, I have learned to work with others on the field and off the field. Additionally, I have learned to support one another especially when one needs it the most. Being creative, innovative, and a taking charge have been characteristics that have blossomed and shaped the person I am today; a well-rounded student who excels academically, socially, and in extracurricular activities.

A college is ultimately as good as the student who attends it. What I see in Hofstra University is the tools and opportunities to push my education to a higher level, while simultaneously indulging myself in a pleasant student body that at the same time will allow me to grow as an individual. I believe that Hofstra University emerges as the best choice for me and I feel that I am a great match for the university. In return, I will contribute to the university as a person that possesses many characteristics that will allow me to be open to new settings and experiences. I believe that I will obtain all the benefits that Hofstra offers in its intimate yet rich campus. I truly believe that I will fulfill my potential by attending Hofstra University.

Rose, there are only 2 aspects of Hofstra that you should be discussing in this essay, the academic and extra curricular. Responding using those two expected topics will not only shorten the essay, but also offer a more subjective response to the prompt. Right now, your essay can be compared to spinning wheels with nowhere to go. It just doesn't deliver an effective response as Masdar said.

Discuss the academic aspects of Hofstra that enticed you to enroll. Relate the response to your chosen major and why Hofstra stood out for you in that aspect. Indicate any mentoring programs or internships that you feel will help you gain the best possible education in the field of your choice. If you have any particular professor at the university whose class you are interested in taking, mention the person and epxlain your interest in the course he is teaching.

When pointing to extra curricular reasons, look towards the student community of Hofstra for the answer. What particular clubs or organizations are of interest to you within the community? Where do you see yourself excelling in terms of participation? Are you interested in varsity sports? Which teams at Hofstra do you think you will try out for and why?

Those are the responses that you should be giving to the reviewer. It should not take you more than 2-3 paragraphs to formulate the necessary response. While your response is intricate, it does not really offer the kind of response that will catch the reviewer's attention. It would be best for you to revise your response to make it more relevant and informative while you are still in the response drafting stages.

In agreement with the above responses, Rose, I believe you should talk more about YOU, not Hofstra. I mean sure, Hofstra's campus is beautiful, has a bunch of clubs and is well-respected academically, but why does all of that matter to YOU? The admission officers already know their campus inside and out. They already know everything their college offers, but what they want to know is why it matters to you, and why those extracurricular and academic opportunities should be given to you. Maybe try deleting the part about the beautiful campus and clubs, etc. and instead talk about why you imagine yourself continuing your education at Hofstra and not any other college/university.