I need to cut about 50 words. Also, suggestions to improve the essay's flow would be appreciated. Thanks!
"Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below."
Notes scattered across black lab benches; practice tests projected on the overhead as new members furiously scribble down responses to timed short answer sections; test tubes filled with soil, perched against textbooks as eager sophomores decipher the loam's acidity levels; and me, standing at the front of the room, belting out my Eutrophication mantra: "Nutrients, algae blooms, no D.O.; dead zones fill all the fish with sorrow." It is a week before the county competition - crunch time for South River's Envirothon team.
Being a part of Envirothon has not only increased my knowledge about soils, wildlife, aquatics, and forestry, it has helped to guide me as I take my first steps towards becoming an adult. Fighting the urge to bestow an eye-roll or a snarky remark upon a confused sophomore asking for the tenth time what a lateral line is has made me well-versed in patience. Forgoing sleepovers to make food-coloring coded cakes that illustrate the five ocean layers has given me a hands-on lesson in dedication. Attempting to take meeting notes and lecture about watersheds while running on three hours of sleep has hit home the importance of time management.
Envirothon has proved to me that the cliché "you get what you put in" is a cliché for a reason: because it is true. For all I put into Envirothon, I received my nerdy South River family in return.
I think you should cut that out. Although it is nice, the colleges know that you have a word limit, so the fluff is not really necessary. The rest of the essay is essential to getting your point across so you should just cut the beginning out. It is a week before the county competition - crunch time for South River's Envirothon team. <-- I think that is a pretty good opening statement. It's kind of susupenseful
Being a part of Envirothon has not only increased my knowledge about soils, wildlife, aquatics, and forestry, it has helped to guide me as I take my first steps towards becoming an adult. Fighting the urge to bestow an eye-roll or a snarky remark upon a confused sophomore asking for the tenth time what a lateral line is has made me well-versed in patience. Forgoing sleepovers to make food-coloring coded cakes that illustrate the five ocean layers has given me a hands-on lesson in dedication. Attempting to take meeting notes and lecture about watersheds while running on three hours of sleep has hit home the importance of time management.
Envirothon has proved to me that the cliché "you get what you put in" is a cliché for a reason: because it is true. For all I put into Envirothon, I received my nerdy South River family in return.
Thanks very much. I agree, though it stinks to cut it.
I'll read yours. :)
Sorry, this is obnoxious, but I'm commenting to bump the thread up. I'd really love some feedback.
i REALLY like the beginning, the details make it unique...maybe shorten it? But I wouldn't take it out completely.
overall it's really good though!
This is the revised version that I could get to fit into the box. If anyone could help me think of a different word to use than "machine" in the second paragraph, I would be eternally grateful!
Standing at the front of Mr. Echiverri's room, I belt out my Eutrophication mantra: "Nutrients, algae blooms, no D.O.; dead zones fill fish with sorrow." It is a week before the county competition-crunch time for South River's Envirothon team.
Being a part of Envirothon has not only made me an Aquatics machine, it has helped to guide me as I take my first steps towards becoming an adult. Fighting the urge to bestow an eye-roll or a snarky remark upon a sophomore asking for the tenth time what a lateral line is has made me well-versed in patience. Forgoing movie nights to bake food-coloring coded cakes that illustrate the five ocean layers has given me a hands-on lesson in dedication. Attempting to record minutes while running on three hours of sleep has hit home the importance of time management.
Envirothon has proved to me that "you get out what you put in" is a cliche for a reason: because it is true. For all I put into Envirothon, I received my nerdy South River family.
Sorry this is really late. I hope you haven't your app in already!
I actually really like the beginning-it sets a really nice premise! You could cut the first line about your surroundings (notes, practices, test tubes) but I like the rest because I could literally see the sophomores and you in the front of the room. It confused me a bit why you were belting the words out though.
Good job on your essay and best of luck to you!
