"I come from a world that has a dance floor" - UC Personal Statement Prompt 1

Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

I come from a world that has a dance floor. The sleek polished wood and crystal clear mirrors are the base of my dreams. I was introduced to dance the summer after freshman year by watching a crew perform at the Annual Arts and Wine Festival; the teams unity and teamwork provoked me to start dancing. I joined the team as the most inexperienced member and could barely keep up with the twelve year old girl who has been on the team for less than a year. As I practice I could almost smell the judgements of how bad I was and was often discouraged.

After hundreds of intense practices I finally began to feel confident and slowly became one of the leading members of the team. Performance after performance my skills were improving by the second. It wasn't long till I had realized that dance became my passion. It made me ask myself, "What if I did this for a living?" the idea that I could do something I love and live off it was satisfying. It made me realized that dance wasn't just something you do for fun; it was something you could do with your life. It has shaped my dream to become a dancer that is commended for their work.

As I practiceed I could almost smell the odor of humiliating judgements implyinh how aweful I was; therefore, I was often discouraged.
skills were improvingimproved by the second.
that dance becamehas become my passion
love and live off it was
realized that dance wasn'twas not
that is commended for theirher/his (you are talking abour yourself, not others) work.

Overall, the concept is good, but I believe you can elaborate on it much more better. Keep working till it becomes more special .

Teddy, this is a very good example of an abstract world that you turned into a reality for the reader. You took us into the unique world of a dancer and showed us how it helped shaped you as a person along with your dreams and ambitions. Let me help you out with certain issues your paper has though. You can find my suggestions for polished paragraphs below.


- I come from the world of dance. With its sleekly polished wooden floors and crystal clear mirrors, the science of fluid body movement captured my interest as a high school freshman. I can still remember watching the dance crew at the Annual Arts and Wine Festival and thinking that I would like to give living in their world a try. Upon joining a dance team as the most inexperienced member, I quickly realized that dance was not as simple nor as easy at it looked. I was so bad at dancing at first that a 12 year old girl who had just recently joined the dance team was doing pirouettes around me. Yet I refused to let the fact that I was the worst dancer on the team deter me from immersing myself in the world that I knew I wanted to belong in. Regardless of the bad judgement calls that were thrown my way, I refused to be discouraged and eventually, I was able to gain mastery of my dance moves and convince the others that I truly belonged with them.


- The dance world is unforgiving of those who make mistakes. Injuries abound and intense practice sessions were a part of daily life. It is a world that commands you to never surrender on your dreams because in the end, you will be rewarded not only with accolades from the audience, but a sense of self satisfaction that no other activity can provide. My passion for dance intensified with every performance, it was not long before dance became the only world I could live in. It did not take long before I began to wonder if I could do this professionally. I wasn't doing this just for fun anymore, I had been elevated to another level of the dance world and I needed to see where it would lead me.. My dream of becoming a professional dancer had now taken hold of me and I was not about to try to get out of it.

Consider my suggested paragraphs an example of how to enhance your original work. Feel free to ask any questions. I will advise you as best as I can :-)