Common App short answer; At age three, violin was an experiment like ballet and basketball

At age three, violin was an experiment like ballet and basketball. However, as I continued playing the violin, it presented opportunities and inspiration found nowhere else.

In fourteen years, I have held leadership positions in all my music groups, including the MacPhail and Edina orchestras, and two chamber groups. I also won the 2008 Edina Concerto Competition- and a ninety-member orchestra accompanied me.

I also traveled to Iceland, played for President Grimmson, and stayed with a family in Reykjavík. With the Edina orchestra, I visited Greece, playing for schools around the country.

In 9th grade, I read about the cutting of inter-city orchestra programs. In response, I created a non-profit called Music and the World, which donates instruments and has Edina students tutor low-income, inter-city music students. Although the students are from different backgrounds, for a few hours a week, music brings them together- no matter the obstacles.

______

Should I make the essay more "deep"? I thought it would be better to just throw out more facts about my involvement, since I only get 150 words.

Thanks!

Are these accomplishments already mentioned somewhere else in your essay? If so maybe you sould try to talk more about how playing the violin affects you.

The fact that you started a non-profit is really noble--maybe you could elaborate more on that? It shows a sense of selflessness.

username621


^The last sentence seems to only tie together what you said about the nonprofit. Maybe you should broaden it to include playing the violin in general. Good Luck! :)

What does your playing of the violin have to do with your setting up of the program? You need to tie these two things together more clearly. Also, what do either of these things mean to you? You want to convey their emotional import, rather than just listing accomplishments.

My only problem is the word limit- I want to convey emotions and accomplishments, but it's very difficult with the word limit. I'll try my best! Thanks.

Worry about conveying your main point effectively first. Once you have something that does that, you can post here and people will help you cut it down to size.

You can simply say that, knowing how much music has meant to you, you could not bear to think of other young people being deprived of it.

^Violin is not an experiment. Also, I think it is quite a weak analogy; I just do not see how you you can compare playing a violin to playing a physical sport or performing a physical activity, for these physical activities require a different set of skills and personality traits,( although some of these may be mutual ), to playing the violin.

EDIT:

*Also, this essay prompt asks you to expand on your extra curricular activity, not provide a list of accomplishments.

this is definitely a list of things.
the prompt asks something like elaborate on something.
so what you need to do, is jsut try to not showcase your activities (since im sure you prolly wrote about it in the app already anyway) but just speak from the heart. i think they want you to really say now what the common app questions havent asked. like maybe a story that led you to play the violin, or your first time playing.

somehting.
anything but a list.

good luck!

How about, "I took up violin as an experiment, but it ended up orchestrating my life"? Then you can go on as you already do.

Great thanks so much everyone. And thanks Simone and tal105 I like your suggestions. Yeah, I didn't think about it before- there's already a list on the extracurricular part. Thanks again!

^Were you tapping your feet as you strode up the steps? That is interesting.


^Lack of grammar parallelism.
Also, 'through my mind' or 'in my mind;'.


^Remove


^Irrelevant

You dont really discuss your violin playing, which is what I assume is meant by 'expand on you extra curricular activities'.
Anyways, Ramadan Kareem and Cheetori? Khobam?

"Ten years earlier, at age three, I began learning to play the violin, as an experiment, but it ended up orchestrating my life. Ita process that has presented unparalleled opportunities that have shaped the person who I am todayhave become.From the people I have met to the places I have gone, I recognize how deeply privileged I am. I take pride in the ability to both share and enjoy music to a level only achieved by years of persistence.

Now, when I watcha violin classes in Reykjavík comprised of toddlers and their faux-violins, I can't bear the thought that there a re young people in my community who possessed the drive but lacked the opportunity to play music. I have therefore resolved to take action, and weeks later, Ibecame the founder and president offounded Music and the World (musicandtheworld.org)."

Thanks Liebe and Sean.

Liebe: I don't understand the first phrase (maybe its arabic?), but in response to cheetori-- salam, man khobam (Hi, I'm doing well!).

Sean: Thanks for helping me shorten it up. I'm just worried that because I start out with my Iceland trip, it implies that I'm going to talk more about the violin, but then I don't really touch on that and instead end up talking only about the non-profit... Should I change the intro?

I'm down to 164 words... almost there :)

This is too passive. But, really, it's fine. You might want to quit tinkering with it in order to avoid over-writing it.

The sentences are a bit choppy and disjointed, but you would be hard pressed to add transitions while staying under 150 words. You might just want to stick with what you have now.

Last version:

Every inch of wall space is entombed in posters; Itzhak Perlman looks distant, Midori grins like she has a secret. Click, the tape begins to play. Chairs scuffle against the floor, and silence collects. As the orchestra begins, the music swells and reaches to the corners of the cluttered room. Regardless of the mistakes, the collective sound of thirty determined children is what makes the music beautiful.

Many of these students cannot afford private lessons, let alone the cost of renting an instrument. I can't bear that many young people possess the drive but lack the opportunity to play music. In 2007, I resolved to take action, and founded Music and the World.

MATW donates instruments to under-funded schools, such as this one in Minneapolis. It also has high-school students tutor low-income, inter-city music students. For a few hours a week, music brings them together- no matter their differences.

This is much stronger. I love the opening description of the school. One thing, though. The last line implies that the program brings together many diverse people, whereas your description of the program makes it sound as if the people would tend to be of the same general class and background. Apart from that though, this is really a very good essay.

'It also has high-school students tutor low-income, inter-city music students'

Shouldn't the word be 'who tutor'? Look at this analogy: "My farm also has dogs eat wild chickens". It should be "My farm also has dogs WHO/THAT eat wild chickens"