Common App Short Answer-"the Dream of Caterpillar"

- (short answer) Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences (150 words or fewer)

Working actively as a member and captain of the "Youth Association for helping Comfort Women" for three years, I thought that we should not only know but also show the women's tragic history. As the most efficient way to inform, a drama club, "Caterpillar" was established by me and other fellow twelve students. However, people quit the club because of the hard training and practices, and only four students including myself, who had passion and responsibility of showing the women's past left. At the "8.15 Independence Festival", finally, "the Dream of Caterpillar," outcome of our effort moved to tears. Beginning with my earnest acting, people including Comfort Women and crowds understood and felt our warm message of truth. Feeling something hot in my heart from the drama performance, I recognized that the thing that I have to do in the future is giving genial messages to the world.

Please give me your poignant comment!

the numbers "4" and "12" should be written out as "four" and "twelve"

you also need to work on your verbs tenses such as: "...and only 4 students including me, who has passion..."
"has" should be "had". Also in that sentence "me" should be changed to "myself"

I sense that English is not your first language so you need to watch out for literal translations: "Meeting the feeling of something hot in my heart from the drama performance..." I have no idea what you are trying to say here.

It's a good start, but you need to work on making it flow.

Just like fishing, start by giving a quick jerk. Give a good word at the start to catch attention:
Women's tragic history is something I cared about deeply when I was lucky enough to be chosen as captain of the...

...and only four students including myself, of us remained; we had passion and a sense of responsibility, because the subject matter was meaningful to... of showing the women's past.