Common Application Short Answer Editing "Describe an experience"

Hi. If anyone could help me edit this short answer for common app, his/her help would be greatly appreciated! Thanks.

"Elaborate on an experience in 150 words or less"

I used to believed that a person could excel in life solely through diligence and independence; if he lacked academic caliber, I believed that he would never become successful and would be burdened with sadness and regret throughout the rest of his life. However, by frequenting the church homeless shelter, I discovered otherwise.

At the shelter, strangers freely conversed and reminisced with others and relished what they had left in their life. Initially, I was appalled to find that, despite their grimy plight, the homeless were rather happy and carefree. However, when I observed the warm rapport between the homeless when they discussed troubles and sorrows, I then had an epiphany: it was impossible to survive such harsh times as the current recession without peer support and empathy. The homeless and the shelter revolutionized my perspective of life and my definition of success.

This is an interesting topic to write on. I will commend you on a few things. First off, your chosing to write about Church shows that you are active in your community and religious (which is a plus for religiously affiliated schools). Also, you show how other people's lives and experiences have shaped your own; learning from others.

However, I'm not so sure about writing on how you learned education isnt necessary...I dont know, its up to you. But perhaps you could make it on how money isnt the only thing in the world, its people.

Hi. Thanks for the compliments.
About the tip, I didn't meant that education is not necessary; I mean't that only education and academics will not get you far in life. Should I be clearer?

Thanks

I edited it a little bit - is it clearer now?

I used to believed that a person could excel in life solely through diligence and independence; if he lacked academic caliber, I believed that he would never become successful and would be burdened with sadness and regret throughout the rest of his life. However, by frequenting the church homeless shelter, I discovered that life is more than academics.

At the shelter, strangers freely conversed and reminisced with others and relished what they had left in their life. Initially, I was appalled to find that, despite their grimy plight, the homeless were rather happy and carefree. However, when I observed the warm rapport between the homeless when they discussed troubles and sorrows, I then had an epiphany: it was impossible to survive such harsh times as the current recession without peer support and empathy. The homeless and the shelter revolutionized my perspective of life and my definition of success.

This is a great phrase! Thanks, I'm glad to have seen your writing. I hope you'll find time to help a lot of the other writers here at EssayForum.

..what they had left in their lives.

... perspective on life and...

Thanks for the feedback! Here is my edited short essay:

I used to believe that a person could excel in life solely through diligence and independence; if he lacked academic caliber, I believed that he would never become successful and would be burdened with sadness and regret throughout the rest of his life. However, by frequenting the church homeless shelter, I discovered otherwise.

At the shelter, strangers freely conversed and reminisced with others and relished what they had left in their lives. Initially, I was appalled to find that, despite their grimy plight, the homeless were rather happy and carefree. However, when I observed the warm rapport between the homeless when they discussed troubles and sorrows, I then had an epiphany: it was impossible to survive such harsh times as the current recession without peer support and empathy. The homeless and the shelter revolutionized my perspective on life and my definition of success.

I actually have read and commented on other people's essays. Its actually fun and helpful to read other's mistakes; I can advise others on how to fix their essays while I, myself, can learn of my mistakes through them.

I wish your last paragraph was longer because yo have so many great thoughts on this topic. You could make a long conclusion and the reader will really appreciate your reflection and discussion. You write very well.

BUT if you have a word limit you need to stay within it. :-) This is good!

Yeah. Unfortunately, I have a 150 word limit and I'm right at 147. I sometimes wish that the applications lifted the word limits, but I guess the people can be reading novels for ever. :)

I am really impressed by how effortlessly you are using a vocabulary that would sound strained coming from a lot of people!:)

Thanks for you compliments :]

Dude the common app short question is: Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below or on an attached sheet (150 words or fewer). Make sure you list this volunteer work in the common app to make it relevant. :)

Don't worry - I made sure to add my volunteer experience on my Common App. Volunteering does count as experience too :)

I know that. in fact it counts as a very appropriate experience. Just wanted to make sure you hadn't mixed the prompts up again. You know the Stanford incident, lol!! As long as this is listed as one of your extra-curricular activities, no problemo! (I am soo cheesy :D)