Common app short answer--SIFE activity

Elaborate one of your activities.(150 words)I think this short answer is about an activity's impact on me. Please give me some advice, and thanks!

From my graduation of high school in 2007 till today, I spent most time joining SIFE (Students In Free Enterprise) team to do socially useful activities.One of the projects I attended was to help a patentee get investment and manufacturers. Af first, I was fervent and active that I dated and negotiated with several marketing managers from difference manufacturers. But the negotiations all failed. I made an analysis and found out that in the negotiation, I had been too anxious to introduce the advantages of the patentee's product and ignored the real situation and needs of the manufacturers.Then I soon searched some negotiating skills on the internet and analysed every detail of manufacturers so that I could change my negotiating strategy with the combination of the patentee's product's advantages and the manufacturers' needs. In the following negotiations, I talked cautiously and calmly. And I successfully made several contracts. This experience made my minds maturer and taught me to make decisions more calmly and more comprehensively in my later life.

Very good content-wise. Grammatically a bit painful, though. I'd recommend making the following changes:

"From my graduation of high school in 2007 till today, I have spent most of my time working with the SIFE (Students In Free Enterprise) team to do socially useful activities."

"Af first, I was so fervent that I plunged headfirst into negotiating with several marketing managers from difference manufacturers without doing any research on how to negotiate successfully."

"I analyzed my performance, and realized that in my negotiations, . . ."

"and had i gnored the real situation and needs of the manufacturers"

"Then I searched the Internet for information that would improve my negotiating skills, and analyzed every detail of the manufacturers' companies"

"This experience made me more mature"

Thank you very much! As a international student, I indeed need to pay more attention on the grammar.

At first, I was fervent...

I think overall you have a good essay going here and my only advice is to keep reading over it to make sure the grammar is correct. Good luck!