Common App Short Answers -- Marching Band

the parts I'm unsure about are italicized.

It is August. We wake up early -- though school has yet to start -- to go to band camp. The heat of the sun pounds against our skin as we march forwards and backwards, forwards and backwards. It is September. We stay after school for practice. The sun is still strong but we don't mind as we struggle to march and play our music at the same time. It is November. The weather is cold now and we sill practice to perfect our drill. We perform every week. Afterwards we sit in the stands, eating, laughing, breathing into our instruments to keep them warm. It is our final competition. We hold our breaths as they announce the first place winner. It is us. On our way home, on the bus, we proudly sing our show tune. We remember what we love so much about marching band: music and unity.

I'm kind of iffy about using this one, since it's less traditional than the one I started on before. I thought a more creative approach would be suitable because it's for an art college. Is this a bad idea? does it defeat the purpose of a short answer?

I'd like to hear your input!
Thanks! :D

Why are those italicized? Do they have a purpose?


I don't think you should use the dashes. They complicate the sentence. Rather, say: Though school has yet to start, we wake up early to go to band camp.


Afterwards,

I like the idea; the monthly track of practice is creative. I, however, am not a fan of the repetitive short, simple sentences. I feel like you shouldn't use short, simple sentences until


You want the "it is us" to have an impact. To create such an impact, it should be the only short, simple sentence. By using it for other things degrades its power, if you know what I mean.

I like it (:

Oh, I italicized the parts i was unsure about. It says in the post
Yeah hahaha we've been reading Hemingway in school. Then do you think I should integrate the month into the descriptions?
Thanks pcvrz!