Can you please review my Common App Essay? I think that something may be wrong with it so feedbacks are appreciated. And oh, I know that I should cut the part about the Game's biography but I don't know how, please help.
Promt: Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence
In the childhood, my uncle Vladislav spent much more time with me than my own dad. He is 17 years older than I am so I wanted to follow all of his interests: play the same video games, listen to the same music, and watch the same movies. That time he was listening to American hip-hop stars like 50 Cent, Tupac, Game and Snoop Dogg. I also fell in love with this genre of music even though I didn't understand a word from the lyrics. Later on, I wanted to know more about these artists so I read their biographies and Game's life had a significant influence on my world's perception.
I have never considered my life simple. My father left my family as soon as my brother was born; he always considered himself as my sponsor, not my parent; he had never told me he loved me or he was proud of me; I grew up watching my mother crying and fainting. When I was 15 I realized that I started giving up so I tried to find myself a motivation to go on. That was the time I was reading the hip-hop artists' biographies and I was shocked when I read about Game's life. He grew up in the family of the gang members, drug and arms dealers. Jayceon Terrell Taylor (that's rapper's real name) claimed that his father molested one of his sisters. At around age of 6, he witnessed the friend of him being shot for clothes. When he grew up, he became a gang member and in 2001 he was shot five times execution-style by the assassin and went into three-day coma. That was the moment he decided to leave his criminal career and become a rapper. Now he is one of the most successful hip-hop artists and he has three kids who he adores with all his heart.
That story literally changed my life and my world perception. I realized that all of my problems are miserable and the solutions are easy to find. I have always thought of myself as a strong person so now, every time I feel like I'm giving up, I just ask myself: why didn't Game give up? His life was so much harder than mine but he still found the strength to go on, become successful and happy. These thoughts motivate me to start working harder and accomplish my goals. Moreover, I believe that no matter how hard your life is, you can always find the right path to your happiness, success and dreams.
Promt: Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence
In the childhood, my uncle Vladislav spent much more time with me than my own dad. He is 17 years older than I am so I wanted to follow all of his interests: play the same video games, listen to the same music, and watch the same movies. That time he was listening to American hip-hop stars like 50 Cent, Tupac, Game and Snoop Dogg. I also fell in love with this genre of music even though I didn't understand a word from the lyrics. Later on, I wanted to know more about these artists so I read their biographies and Game's life had a significant influence on my world's perception.
I have never considered my life simple. My father left my family as soon as my brother was born; he always considered himself as my sponsor, not my parent; he had never told me he loved me or he was proud of me; I grew up watching my mother crying and fainting. When I was 15 I realized that I started giving up so I tried to find myself a motivation to go on. That was the time I was reading the hip-hop artists' biographies and I was shocked when I read about Game's life. He grew up in the family of the gang members, drug and arms dealers. Jayceon Terrell Taylor (that's rapper's real name) claimed that his father molested one of his sisters. At around age of 6, he witnessed the friend of him being shot for clothes. When he grew up, he became a gang member and in 2001 he was shot five times execution-style by the assassin and went into three-day coma. That was the moment he decided to leave his criminal career and become a rapper. Now he is one of the most successful hip-hop artists and he has three kids who he adores with all his heart.
That story literally changed my life and my world perception. I realized that all of my problems are miserable and the solutions are easy to find. I have always thought of myself as a strong person so now, every time I feel like I'm giving up, I just ask myself: why didn't Game give up? His life was so much harder than mine but he still found the strength to go on, become successful and happy. These thoughts motivate me to start working harder and accomplish my goals. Moreover, I believe that no matter how hard your life is, you can always find the right path to your happiness, success and dreams.