This is my short essay for the common app. I choose soccer, which was my first favorite sport.
Every criticism is mostly welcomed:D
In the space provided below, please elaborate on one of your activities (extracurricular, personal activities, or work experience)(150 words or fewer).
On the field, I am not the biggest star. I don't have the talents to do tricks with the ball like some of my friends when they dribble past the opponents. I don't have the qualified height and strength to alone stand against two defenders and score the winning goals. Sadly, I possess nothing to contribute to soccer, yet it provides me everything I ever wanted. It is the prestigious armband worn upon me when my school team went to the city championship. It is the chance to share the feelings with my friends, either the thrill of victory when we won the first game or the anguish of defeat after the penalty shoot-out at the quarter-final. And most of all, it gives me something to truly have passion for, the feeling which thankfully have stayed since the very first time my brother taught me to play a real ball.
I like your essay. Althought you were born to become a football star, you enjoy it with what you have. Maybe you don't have an ideal condition of a future football player, football still bring happiness and passion to you.
Sadly, I possess nothing to contribute to soccer, yet it provides me everything I ever wanted
^'it' can either refer to soccer or your lack of skills.
Your essay has a number of obvious grammatical errors, which become increasingly obvious after that sentence I quoted. Also, starting off with your relative lack of skill in soccer, in my opinion, is not the best way to start this essay for doing so does not seem to serve you ANY useful purpose. I do not see how mentioning how unfit you are for the sport genuinely ties in with what you are trying to say. If anything, it begs the question as to how you are even on the football team, or questions the quality of your football team.
Also, I got the impression that you are not analyzing or discussing what is it about soccer that is so meaninful to you. I can see that you have made only two sentences regarding this, and these sentences are rather vague and general anyways.
I just want to say that I don't have any special talents in soccer but only my passion for the game. And that passion that helps me stay in the field, it helps me make the best of what I have and contribute to my team ( I don't say that I'm bad at soccer, I just say that I'm not extremely good at it)
Anyway, I agree that this needs a lot of revision. I just finished it 30 minutes before sleeping last night so it's not really good...
I have made a new draft. But I'm not sure whether I fully understand the topic or not. Any1 plz help!!!
And also it was 14 words above limit:(
In the space provided below, please elaborate on one of your activities (extracurricular, personal activities, or work experience)(150 words or fewer).
The sun had rarely risen above the horizon. Two hours before the crucial match, I quiver, amid the December wind, with anxiety. I decided to get warmed up by doing some ball-juggling, the most basic skill. The dirt was slipper after the night rain. My body tried to keep balanced. My eyes stayed focused as the ball bounced up and down on my feet. Gradually, my worries about the crucial match diminished and instead appeared a familiar joy. The feeling got even better when my teammates arrived and wanted to join in. We passed the ball around and did some funny tricks. We made jokes and laughed at each other attempts. The significance of a quarter-final round seemed to disappear, only left was the excitement of a group of soccer-lovers. I came to realize that after ten years of ball-juggling, after hundreds of matches I had played, in the end, the only thing that had always stayed the same was my passion to soccer.
Can anyone help me:(
anyone please help me with this! I don't know whether my essay is right for the prompt.
-eliminate the first sentence
-you need to fix the tenses of the essay so that they all match
-you may want to say something about the love of the team and things that came from it, not just passion for soccer
Which feeling specifically are you referring to?
The feeling of belonging? Emotional release?
So I have to say about how soccer helps develop as a person? Because I'm afraid it's a little cliche to say about things like soccer helps me to know how to work in group or teaches me to overcome the hardness, etc...
