Common Application Short Answer Editing "Describe an experience"

Hi. If anyone could help me edit this short answer for common app, his/her help would be greatly appreciated! Thanks.

"Elaborate on an experience in 150 words or less"

I used to believed that a person could excel in life solely through diligence and independence; if he lacked academic caliber, I believed that he would never become successful and would be burdened with sadness and regret throughout the rest of his life. However, by frequenting the church homeless shelter, I discovered otherwise.

At the shelter, strangers freely conversed and reminisced with others and relished what they had left in their life. Initially, I was appalled to find that, despite their grimy plight, the homeless were rather happy and carefree. However, when I observed the warm rapport between the homeless when they discussed troubles and sorrows, I then had an epiphany: it was impossible to survive such harsh times as the current recession without peer support and empathy. The homeless and the shelter revolutionized my perspective of life and my definition of success.

This is an interesting topic to write on. I will commend you on a few things. First off, your chosing to write about Church shows that you are active in your community and religious (which is a plus for religiously affiliated schools). Also, you show how other people's lives and experiences have shaped your own; learning from others.

However, I'm not so sure about writing on how you learned education isnt necessary...I dont know, its up to you. But perhaps you could make it on how money isnt the only thing in the world, its people.