Please read and criticize, I need the criticism and welcome it. This is my CommonApp Essay on the topic of my choice
The hallways were deserted except for a custodian sweeping up the day's litter. Outside, the cries of birds and athletes mingled to produce a pleasant drone. In the empty classroom, the only sound was that of my voice explaining the intricacies of the SAT math section. My assignment, however, was not obligatory, and my student was not an anonymous person. He was my classmate, and soon to be, best friend, Gustavo.
When Goose and I were juniors, we had a discussion about the SAT Reasoning Test. When he told me his score, I was shocked. Goose immigrated from Colombia when he was seven, and like me, had to learn English as a second language. Despite these challenges, he puts full effort into everything he does, never takes the easy way out, and cares about his academics more than anyone I know. He deserved a better score.
Like Gustavo, I know the pain of adjusting to a new environment. When I was nine, my mother and I were walking back home when we passed a barber shop when suddenly, a teenager on a bike rushed past us and yelled "Go back to China!" Immediately, another teenager dashed of the barber shop and apologized profusely for the first teen's behavior. He didn't have to help. He wouldn't have benefited in the slightest. He came simply because he wanted to. That single incident made me realize that sometimes, no reason other than a willingness to help is all that is needed to change someone's situation for the better. As I reflected on the teenager who defended my mother and I, I felt a strong urge to return some of the appreciation I felt. The SAT, I decided, was a challenge Gustavo did not have to face alone.
Gustavo and I started meeting after school once or twice a week to prepare for the SAT. While my sole intention was to improve his scores, a side-effect of these meetings was that we quickly became great friends. I loved teaching him, and I could tell he appreciated my unconditional support. In the process of helping him, I learned how similar we are. We are both proficient at ball sports, he at golf and I at tennis. We both love nature and the outdoors. We have a similar sense of humor. The more we practiced for the SAT, the closer we became. Once, he loaned me his jacket while I was waiting for the city bus because I was shivering. I knew then that I had a true friend.
After we finished our review, we walked to the student parking lot, a familiar routine. The air was damp and cool, a marked contrast to the warm, drowsy air of the classroom. The cool breeze reminded me that Autumn was approaching. Gustavo drove us to Springdale Pizza, where we each had three delicious slices of warm, juicy pizza. As we went our separate ways, I walked home, tired but fulfilled. As October 10th, our final chance at the SAT, rapidly approached, I knew I had done something more than improve Gustavo's SAT score. I had helped someone in need of help, and, in the process, forged a lifelong friendship.
Others have told me that the third paragraph is random and contradicts with the main essay in that it deals with discrimination. What do you guys think about this? (And the other things as well, of course!)
Thanks for your time!
Helping a Student Friend
The hallways were deserted except for a custodian sweeping up the day's litter. Outside, the cries of birds and athletes mingled to produce a pleasant drone. In the empty classroom, the only sound was that of my voice explaining the intricacies of the SAT math section. My assignment, however, was not obligatory, and my student was not an anonymous person. He was my classmate, and soon to be, best friend, Gustavo.
When Goose and I were juniors, we had a discussion about the SAT Reasoning Test. When he told me his score, I was shocked. Goose immigrated from Colombia when he was seven, and like me, had to learn English as a second language. Despite these challenges, he puts full effort into everything he does, never takes the easy way out, and cares about his academics more than anyone I know. He deserved a better score.
Like Gustavo, I know the pain of adjusting to a new environment. When I was nine, my mother and I were walking back home when we passed a barber shop when suddenly, a teenager on a bike rushed past us and yelled "Go back to China!" Immediately, another teenager dashed of the barber shop and apologized profusely for the first teen's behavior. He didn't have to help. He wouldn't have benefited in the slightest. He came simply because he wanted to. That single incident made me realize that sometimes, no reason other than a willingness to help is all that is needed to change someone's situation for the better. As I reflected on the teenager who defended my mother and I, I felt a strong urge to return some of the appreciation I felt. The SAT, I decided, was a challenge Gustavo did not have to face alone.
Gustavo and I started meeting after school once or twice a week to prepare for the SAT. While my sole intention was to improve his scores, a side-effect of these meetings was that we quickly became great friends. I loved teaching him, and I could tell he appreciated my unconditional support. In the process of helping him, I learned how similar we are. We are both proficient at ball sports, he at golf and I at tennis. We both love nature and the outdoors. We have a similar sense of humor. The more we practiced for the SAT, the closer we became. Once, he loaned me his jacket while I was waiting for the city bus because I was shivering. I knew then that I had a true friend.
After we finished our review, we walked to the student parking lot, a familiar routine. The air was damp and cool, a marked contrast to the warm, drowsy air of the classroom. The cool breeze reminded me that Autumn was approaching. Gustavo drove us to Springdale Pizza, where we each had three delicious slices of warm, juicy pizza. As we went our separate ways, I walked home, tired but fulfilled. As October 10th, our final chance at the SAT, rapidly approached, I knew I had done something more than improve Gustavo's SAT score. I had helped someone in need of help, and, in the process, forged a lifelong friendship.
Others have told me that the third paragraph is random and contradicts with the main essay in that it deals with discrimination. What do you guys think about this? (And the other things as well, of course!)
Thanks for your time!