Do not have community - Computer Club - Michigan Supplement

Please have a look on my essay and comment on it. The length of the essay is 263 words which have exceed the recommended words limit (250), please give advice on which part should be cut, thank you.

Student Computer Club

I love computer. For me, computer was the greatest masterpiece that mankind has ever created. I could stay up all night coding software or formatting a computer, and I wouldn't feel tired about it. That was why I joined the Computer Club at my high school and I thought that I was belonged to the community of it.

That was last school break, more than a year ago now. During my surfing, I came across a tutorial in the internet. It was about creating a private server of an online game. It really captured my mind. I hoped I could create an online game that can act as a community for the school. The next day, I met up with my Computer Club's peers and presented my idea. At first, they were interested with the idea. Yet, the project called off as they didn't want to learn basic programming.

As a sole fighter, I bought the programming books, sacrificed some of my sleep and created the server myself. Though I couldn't manage to get a lot of members and I was forced to close the server, I realized that I didn't belong to the Computer Club's community. I found that I belonged to a community that really love computer and would sacrifice themselves for it.

I have spent more than eighteen years in my hometown; still I can't manage to find these people. That's why I want to step out from the town, from the country, and become a Wolverine. I felt certain that I could find this community in UMich, the one of the largest university in the world.

I really like your idea, saying you wanna find your community at the university. However, I think you need to tell them more about yourself, not just your surroundings. They really want to get to know something about you from your writting. (Tell them more about your 'dream' maybe?)

Overall, you answered the prompt, but I believe you're being too generic. Try to elaborate on some of the point such as this:


How do you care about the development of the community? Do you serve on a city's youth council? How does other react to your interest in these development?

Give specific examples

Also, you didn't write too much about yourself. To be honest, you just kinda rant about "them" a lot.

Good luck!

Critique mine and return the favor. Thanks :)

Good on the revision. However, explicitly state what attracts you to the community at UMich. What are your values and how can you grow as a person by being part of this community? What does UMich offer you that any other university won't?

Please review my essay. Thanks

Your last paragraph is very impressive and interesting! I like the way you think and the way you write. If possible, you should try to express the main idea of the whole essay in a single sentence and add it as that thesis statement at the end of the first paragraph).

:-)