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"World of innocence gone to a world of evil"- Describe the World You Come From

tiger13twin 7 / 20  
Oct 11, 2010   #1
Hi guys this is my personal statement. I have never written one before so I didn't know what to write. So please give me all the feedback you can so I can change it and make it better. Thanks in advance!

Here is the prompt: Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations

My Essay:
When I was younger I lived in a world with no crime or suffering. Life was perfect. No stress, no hatred., nothing but love and happiness. Back then, I guess you can say I was in a world of innocence. Where death was unheard of. I lived in a "perfect world."

Hi my name is Britney Prince. I was born in San Diego, California. Growing up, the one person who had the biggest influence on me was my Auntie Ann. She was my world. She spoiled me and at the same time she was someone I always knew I could turn to. At least until December 29, 2006, a day I will never forget. It was the day my Auntie died of lung cancer. She meant everything to me she was always there when I needed her and I felt she would always be there for me. But when she passed away, I thought my whole world was falling apart. I felt discouraged but then I remembered that when my aunt was living, she made me promise that I would go to school and be successful and I always keep my promises. Till this day my aunt is the reason why I never give up. I shine like a star in everything I do and I just hope and pray she is looking down on me smiling proudly of all my accomplishments. Although I'm still devastated about her death, even though it has almost been four years, I will continue to keep my promise to her. I'm hoping to go to a college where I can learn and have fun at the same time. And like I always say, "Auntie Ann, this is for you." Remembering what she expected of me is why I will go to great lengths to fulfill my promise and make her proud.

I am determined to make good grades and become a successful registered nurse (R.N.) . I have decided to go in the nursing field, because I want to follow in the footsteps my aunt would have taken if she had the opportunity. She loved helping people. Even the people she didn't know. She saw life as an opportunity to help the ones that need it whether it be medically, financially or emotionally. But she always talked about being a nurse, but she never found the time to go to school. Watching how fast her life went by before she could do all the things she wanted has inspired me to accomplish her goal of being a registered nurse. I see life like she used to. That is why I will go in a field that will help others, so I can see the smile on their faces after I help them. My journey through life is about to begin and I will make sure to help people along the way.
donrocks 5 / 120  
Oct 12, 2010   #2
Britney, you are portraying a wrong message here. To not take drugs and stuff is not something you stand on the terrace and shout a loud (only when you take them its a big deal!) ...

There are many like you who don't take these things and show more character. Many have have parents who encourage their children to do better. The first two para's.... what you write is minimum expectation of a students character. Nothing different....

GRAMMAR IS VERY BAD. The whole essay has very few sentences grammatically correct... such as...

I live with my dad who was a marine, my mother who is a stay at home mom, an older sister who is a freshman in college, my twin sister, and my younger brother who is in the sixth grade.

Even, the education part.... I was taught by my mother. Kids have written journals, done research and gone for camps and have been tempted to do wrong things...not all turn that way... So, we must not state the obvious and say something different.

Where are your accomplishments? You have not mentioned your interests, your ambitions and how this college would help you achieve it? Let us get the matter straight and then we can work the grammar.

Hope this helps... :)
OP tiger13twin 7 / 20  
Oct 12, 2010   #3
Hi Siddharth, thanks for the criticism, it definitely gives me something to think about:) My only problem is that the question asks to describe the world you come from and I'm not sure what I can do to change my essay because I did describe the world I come from and I do know that it's not much different than others but I'm not sure how to make it different. So if anyone has any advice please let me know. All criticism is appreciated!
RyanVi16 12 / 91  
Oct 12, 2010   #4
Do your family have any unusual (but not weird) tradition? "World" here can mean a lot of thing, it doesn't have to mean like literally where you came from. This topic is very broad so it give you a plenty of room to be creative. You can even write about an experience that impact your life or even a person that influence you, how you grow up is your "world". The word "the world" here is just mean the college want to know more about you, as donrocks said, not how a student should be. You can brainstorm more and share with us :)

Oh, you can talk less about drugs, evil and more about your aunt, since she seem very important to you. You still follow the prompt if your aunt is the person who shaped up "your world". But don't describe her, but describe how she influence you, her actions, comments, perspective of life.
OP tiger13twin 7 / 20  
Oct 13, 2010   #5
Thanks everyone for your input. I have tried to take your advice and have changed my essay a little. How does it sound now?
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Oct 14, 2010   #6
Combine these to avoid a sentence fragment:
world of innocence where death was unheard of.
same thing here:
She loved helping people, even the people she didn't know.

Let's eliminate the excess and pull this together as one paragraph:
...world of innocence where death was unheard of. Hi my name is Britney Prince. I was born in San Diego, California. Growing up, the one person who had the biggest influence on me One important part of my perfect world was my Auntie Ann.


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