UC Personal Statement #2: Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?
Competitiveness is an important personal quality that had shaped me into the person I am today. Ever since I was a child, the need for competition has always run through my blood, so I turned almost everything I did into a competition. Every part of these competitions were serious, and I would always try my best to be victorious. Furthermore, if I did not win, I would be reluctant to be claimed as runner-up because in my perspective, only first place mattered.
Throughout high-school, the instinct of competition stuck with me, and although I did begin to narrow my competitiveness only for primary interests, I was struggling to keep up with the elites of each activity. With my interests, Track and Field, academics, JROTC Leadership, career oriented clubs, art, all being widely competitive, I would always be in second place and as vice-president but never at the top. I soon hated the curse of seeing everything as a rivalry because I was overwhelmed by so many activities, I could not be the best at anything.
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Michael, competitiveness is a trait that is to be admired in a person. However, your essay did not touch on the way that you developed a competitive attitude, why you had to develop it, and how it benefited you in the process. It is alright for you to explain how you take competitions seriously but without the underlying factors, the reasons behind your actions do not make much sense. Instead of making you come across as impressive, your desire to compete just makes you seem like you are a person who cannot accept losing. I know that you have some serious reasons for becoming competitive and you should present it in the essay in order to create a stronger personality explanation for yourself.
You need to develop a stronger introduction to your competitive attitude by laying the foundation for it. This means that you should explain what kind of person you were before you became competitive and then presenting the reasons why it became necessary for you to develop competitiveness. Eventually explaining how that attitude has helped to improve you as a person and has prepared you to face the academic rigors that college presents.
Thanks for the feedback! I really appreciate it.
I like the topic you picked for this essay, but I felt like for most of the essay, you showed rather than told.
The essay would have been much better if you used little examples or anecdotes to show how you hated not coming in first place and your feelings when that happened.
I liked the part where you said that competition was more about the journey, but I feel like the essay could benefit more if you add in a little more details and "show" instead of "tell".
At one point, a certain bowl of rice mattered to me more than anything else in the world. As the youngest child in my family, that bowl of rice was my pride and even my honor because I felt that the day I would succeed in obtaining it would be the day I became more superior. However, I never actually got to have it because whenever meals were called, many elder relative children stomped over and left me in the trails of their dust. I always ended up eating the leftover burnt rice stuck to the pot because I was last to the dining table. As each day passed, my grief in failures turned into a fondness for rivalry in hope I would someday eat that full bowl of rice.
Feeling the need for redemption, I soon after adapted almost everything I did into a competition. Every part of these competitions were serious, and I would always try my best to be victorious. Throughout high-school, the instinct of competition stuck with me, but I struggled to keep up with the elites of each activity. With my interests, Track and Field, academics, JROTC Leadership, art, all being widely competitive, I would always be in second place and as vice-president, but never at the top. I began to hate seeing everything as a rivalry because overwhelmed with so many activities, I could not become the best at anything.
However, as time went on, I overcame my situation by learning how to prioritize my interests. Doing so, I managed to do extremely well in the activities I cared most about while still being above average in other hobbies. The momentum of success molded a personality that cared less for what place or title I achieved, but more for the vaster picture of learning from past mistakes, perfecting my performance, and aiding others down the same path. The goal of my life became clear as I realized that success and competition was more about the journey rather than the destination. In no time, my competitiveness provided me a direct path to my eventual achievements and kept me dreaming about what new challenges there are to take on.
Here is my rewrite. Is the example too trivial?
Also thanks for the feedback too, Gold42! :)
I love this rewrite. You clearly explained the reason for your competitiveness and I got hooked by the introduction sentence, which is good. I also like how you ended the essay with what mattered most and what was most important to you. Well done!
Thank you also for the feedback on my essay. I really appreciate it!
gold42 I like your writing style its marvelous. could you please help me with my sop my username is: nasarslan my tread is "Develop a passion for learning. If you do, you will never cease to grow". J. D'Angelo.. please help me... i will be very thankful to you.