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Completed Personal Statement; "Will we survive the preliminary round?"



BigBoob15 4 / 17  
Dec 31, 2011   #1
Is it ok so far?

"OK, please add a one pound weight to the mid section of your bridge!" says the announcer. I look nervously at my teammates. Though I don't speak, they can read my concerned expression clearly: "Will we survive the preliminary round?" As a set of anxious hands reaches into the box, scrimmaging through the multitude of one pound weights, our minds seem to engage in a silent service of prayer, hoping that we make it through. This was our first experience as contestants in the annual Bridge Building Competition held at Union County College. Though winning wasn't a priority, we at least wanted to place well.

Sure enough by the time we added the 8th one pound weight, we were left picking up broken Popsicle sticks off of the floor, consequently finding our way off the battle field and into the audience with our own personal trophy: the two halves of a formerly well developed bridge. Once the competition was over and the first to third placed winners announced, my curious group members and I made our way to the score board to see where we placed.

"Do you see it?" my group member Wura asked. "Yep" I replied. "Hillside High School Group A #27 out of 52." We looked at each other; afterward entering a state of uncontrollable laughter; we thought we had placed last. As our instructor, Mr. Kircher made his way over to take a look at the score board our thirty seconds of joy had rendered to a deadly silence. With his eyes staring over thin spectacles he read our placement aloud, "27th." Then he called us over. "Girls, though you did not place well this year, there is always room for improvement, you both worked hard to design a great bridge." "You dedicated your lunch periods to extra time on the drilling machine and your effort was apparent in the structure of your bridge." "I am truly proud, and hopefully next year you will do better."

While my group members and I were a little disappointed that our bridge was down so early, what had everyone bemused was the question, how? Beginning in October, we had endured in an intense research process, in search of a strong bridge design. All of the sites that we found stated that the strongest design consisted of the basic triangle but doubled for more support. So as a group, we concluded that the triangle method would be the best way to go. We even downloaded a program that enabled us to virtually draw the design and test it under various conditions and it was able to sustain everything. The only logical mistake that we could think of was that we had drilled too many holes in the sticks. In an eager attempt to make the Popsicle sticks lighter, we drilled four holes in the sticks instead of the standard amount of three, thus causing the design to be light but weak.

makman09 9 / 86  
Dec 31, 2011   #2
Is this the extracurricular essay? because you might want to include what the activity is. if not, oh well.

The essay is really entertaining. I can imagine the whole situation from your details. It's interesting and it got my attention.
But what I'm not impressed by is you didn't show how the activity appealed to. You didn't show me who you are. You don't bring passion at all, but fear and minimum satisfaction at the ending.

Everyone has hope of winning a competition, so this won't separate you at all from other applicants.

Could you tell me the prompt because I really want to be accurate with my advice.

and can you give my Columbia Supplement a read and tell me what you think?
OP BigBoob15 4 / 17  
Dec 31, 2011   #3
this is the beginning of my personal statement, I have like 3 paragraphs to go. I just wanted feedback on how it was coming along so far. Also, I mentioned that we were at a Bridge Building Competition.
makman09 9 / 86  
Dec 31, 2011   #4
The beginning really shows the excitement and anticipation.
But to be honest, I'm not impressed at all. Your essay doesn't show anything about you at all except that you worked hard. Is that what you only want to show?

You just showed me that you were in a competition and how you did you research, but there wasn't much about you in personal terms.

Try to show impact of this project on you or show why this activity appealed to you. Show something that gives me a picture of you.

I hope my advice helps.

Can you give my Columbia Supplement a read and be harsh on it?

Oh, and I was wondering if you turned in your Yale Supplement yet.
OP BigBoob15 4 / 17  
Dec 31, 2011   #5
No I didn't turn in the Yale Supplement yet , I'm mailing it later on.


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