'constructing skyscrapers, bridges, large dams' - NUS Essay

I am applying for engineering at NUS. Please help me through the essay. it would be very kind and helpful.

Essay : You may discuss a special talent, a personal experience or an activity that you have been involved in that is relevant to the course you are applying for admission.

LIMIT is 2000 characters

i have written an essay.

I am an individual who is overflowing with the potential to make a profound and lasting positive influence in the field of engineering. I see the world and every minute that passes by here as an opportunity to better my life as well as the lives of others.

My passion for designing and constructing skyscrapers, bridges, large dams and other structures have drawn me towards Civil Engineering. I always watch programs related to engineering on National Geographic Channel and developed my love for engineering watching National Geographic Channel.

Education has been primary in my life, despite my other abilities and extra curricular activities such as cricket. This summer I joined National Highway Authority (NHA) for experiencing engineering practically. NHA connects all Pakistan by highways and motorways and it is a vast network of roads throughout Pakistan. I worked with some highly qualified engineers on the highways and was fascinated to see how the highways are built.

At the end of the summer holidays after gaining some experience with NHA, I visited northern Pakistan with my friends. After spending some time in northern Pakistan, I realized that the water that the locals are using to drink is not healthy. I and my friends decided to design a simple water purifier so that the locals can use it to clean the water and then drink it. We finally made a water purifier and we tested it. The water purifier turned out to be very effective.

(1457 characters)

"as an opportunity to better my life"
are you sure you can use better in this way?
try "as an opportunity to make my life, as well as others, better"

I would change your writing style. It seems a little boring (no offense!) You need a good hook to keep the readers reading. Perhaps, tell a story?

Also, I would reword some sentences. For example "my passion for designing and constructing skyscrapers, bridges, large dams, and other structures have drawn me towards civil engineering" to "I have always had a passion for designing and constructing skyscrapers, bridges, large dams, and other structures. This is the driving force that has influenced me to study Civil Engineering."

You don't have to copy that word for word; it's just a suggestion.

Good luck!

I agree with the above comment, i think it's a boring essay, you should give the intrigues or something that will attract the reader