"the continual guidance of these virtues" - FSU - "Vires, Artes, Mores"

This is a really rough draft, but i wanted to know what you thought, and how you think I can make it better? Thanks so much for the help!

Essay Prompt:

For almost one hundred years, the Latin words, "Vires, Artes, Mores" have been the guiding philosophy behind Florida State University. Vires signifies strength of all kinds - moral, physical, and intellectual; Artes alludes to the beauty of intellectual pursuits as exemplified in skill, craft, or art; and Mores refers to character, custom, or tradition. Describe how one or more of the values embodied in these concepts are reflected in your life.

My Essay:

Many people view Latin as a "dead" language, but I decided to awaken my mind and challenge myself by taking Latin class this year. Although I have only been studying this subject for a few months, it has taught me so much already. Learning a new language can be tricky. Each foreign word encloses a deeper meaning waiting to be unfolded. "Vires, Artes, and Mores," three Latin words guiding the philosophy behind Florida State University, each embody profound definitions. Throughout my life, these words have played a significant role in helping me build the person I am today.

Ever since I was four years old, I have been an all-star cheerleader. Training for no less than two hours a night, multiple days a week, over an hour away from home, this sport has consumed my life. In gymnastics, tumbling can be thought of as "an acrobatic discipline." Working hard in the gym, I have embraced "Artes" by perfecting my cheerleading skills with beauty and grace, while still working hard and keeping my grades up in school. In addition to the physical and emotional strain tumbling sets on my body, it requires an ineffable focus not everyone can achieve. "Vires" has helped me acquire this concentration, providing me with strength which has enabled me to experience the thrill and exhilaration of winning a national title and top 3 worlds ranking. Along with these honors, I have been able to use my catholic background and morals to bring sportsmanship to every competition and practice, and receive an American Championship sportsmanship trophy.

Finally, "Mores" can be seen in my life through my character. Cheerleading has helped me build confidence, self respect, and a healthy lifestyle. I have learned how to work with other people through just about anything while basically living in the gym with my teammates. We shared so many of each others joys, challenges, and hardships, not only at practice and competitions, but in all aspects of our school and family lives. Balancing life as both an athlete and a student has taught me to become a very organized person, and has helped me foster a deep sense of dedication and commitment to whatever I set my mind upon.

Overall, cheerleading has been the foundation of my life, but most importantly, it has helped forge my love for sports medicine and physical therapy. With the help of "Vires, Artes, and Mores," I have been able to establish a strong head on my shoulders, and discover not only myself, but who I want to be. I am excited to finally be opening a new chapter in my life by carrying out my love of cheerleading and sports medicine each and every day with my potential career choice in physical therapy. The future can be a scary thought, but with the continual guidance of these virtues, I am confident every little thing will be alright.

Hello, Kaleigh.

This is a average essay. Thousands of such essay come and go but nobody notices them.

Okay,
1) There is no personal touch... you know a slight humor or a little punch line to not make the essay mono...

2) This seems like a laundry list of all your achievements. Agreed, the skills and all that has to be shown but needs to be done in a more subtle and interesting manner.

Add something... because your matter in Vires and so on is not linked. The essay has to be linked and that is very crucial.

3)


Why????? What inspired you? You need to be more precise and not vague since you are now stepping in your college and this is not a school essay. You need to sound mature, good natured and a person all sorted out about his life...(whatever the topic is) because we need to show that you are an interesting personality who can be integrated into the college community.

Be yourself and repost this essay with some more content and then we can rework it better...

Hope this helps... :)

Well, i like the opening line. The word "dead" is always a good attention-getter!

I do not like this thesis statement: Throughout my life, these words have played a significant role in helping me build the person I am today. ----no good! It is not even worth writing if your purpose is just to say the roles were significant.

I think you can take this autobiographical content, which is impressive, and express it in 1/2 the number of words. That condensed version you can create... it will be powerful, packing a hard punch.

Let's talk about the words like this: Vires is reflected in the act of... or Artes is present when....
But let's not say, With the help of "Vires, Artes, and Mores,"

To be honest, I really think it is better to write about ONE virtue. It is hard to read the essays where the student is obviously trying to find examples of each virtue in her or his life... I want you to be PROactive instead of REactive. Right now you are reacting to the prompt by finding examples of each virtue, but I think you should focus on one virtue and give a discussion that expounds a meaningful concept that the reader may not have ever considered. If you can find a concept like that reflected in your life, something that GIVES THE READER NEW INSIGHT into one of the virtues, they will be very impressed and appreciative.

:-)

I'm sorry this took so long! I used one of my other essays and tried to fit it in with Florida State's topic. I feel like its more unique this way. Let me know what you think now and if this works better, or if i should try to fix up the 1st one instead...

My heart races. Adrenaline pumps through my body. I can't stand still. My thirteen years of hard work and vigorous hours in the cheerleading gym will finally pay off. In seconds, I will pass through the fog, see the flashing lights, and hear the overwhelming chanting of the over-packed crowd as I run onto the United States All Star Federation's Cheerleading Worlds competition stage in Disney World. In a moment, I will reveal to international spectators what I've worked almost my whole life to achieve - being part of the number one cheerleading team in the world. Cameras flash, and TV cameras begin to roll, as my teammates and I stampede onto the mat. Suddenly, our music blasts through the speakers and I fall into an ineffable focus. Energy bursts through my body as I showcase my most challenging skills to millions of viewers. Two minutes and thirty seconds later, exhausted, our routine is over. My teammates and I congratulate each other for hitting a near perfect routine, and gather together off the mat to watch our fellow competitors.

Ever since I was four years old, my life has been consumed with training multiple days a week, for no less than two hours a night, over an hour away from my house. Growing up in this sport, I have been able to embrace the Latin word "Vires" everyday. My lifestyle choice as an all-star cheerleader has required not only physical muscle, but moral and intellectual strength as well. Balancing life as both an athlete and a student has taught me to become a very organized person, and has helped me foster a deep sense of commitment to not only my school work, but to whatever I set my mind upon as well. Although I am a competitive person and have won many times, I have lost multiple times as well. However, my strong catholic background keeps me on track and has shown me the importance of showmanship.

As we wait for the results of the competition, I stepped through the golden gates of Disney's Wide World of Sports Complex. The brightly colored exotic uniforms worn by people from all over the world bombard my eyes, and a cacophony of different languages and dialects assaults my ears. Finally, after many years of waiting for this moment, every athlete came together for the awards to be announced. Sweats dripping down my face and my hands are shaking as the ceremony reaches the top 3. The announcer silences the crowd and states "The bronze World Championship medal goes to, South Jersey Storm!" My teammates and I spring up in excitement, hugging and congratulating each other. Even though we did not go home as number one, we are still ecstatic about all we have accomplished together as a family. As we listen to the names of the silver and gold teams, and I vow that next year will be our year, my heart races. Adrenaline pumps through my body. I can't sit still.