Unanswered [6] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Undergraduate   % width   Posts: 6


Cultural diversity / Volunteering Opportunities; Unique qualities of Emory?



OrcadianDander 3 / 9  
Jan 13, 2013   #1
Hi there, please can you review my essay and tell me what you think (be honest). Looking at others examples my essay seems quite factual in comparison? The deadline is tomorrow. Any comments would be much appreciated! For the record I live on a tiny island of the north coast of Scotland (as mentioned briefly in the essay).

Unlike any other institution, Emory College perfectly accommodates my specific interrelated ambitions; offering unparalleled facilities in anthropology (my intended field of study), a vast range of international study programs and tremendous volunteering opportunities. At Emory, I intend to enthusiastically impel my established interests whilst discovering new unknown curiosities.

The deep roots of my interest in the science of humanity are embedded within my unique local heritage; my home (the Orkney Isles, Scotland) is the richest Neolithic location in Northern Europe. Emory's Department of Anthropology would provide a platform to nurture my keen interest in human and cultural origins. My enthusiasm for anthropology coincides with my passion for travel and adventure. The extensive array of global study opportunities, available to Emory students through CIPA, would allow me to achieve my affiliated goals of cultural discovery and international travel.

In association with the British Red Cross and Voluntary Action Orkney, I have been heavily involved in volunteering for many years. I am extremely intrigued by Emory's engaged learning courses (specifically in sociology and anthropology) which teach the theoretical foundations required to work successfully in community service, whilst centrally concerning my specific academic interests.

By assisting class teachers and providing peer support for other students in a voluntary program at Stromness Academy, I have found that helping others learn is very rewarding. Emory's service learning program SHINE would allow me to receive a similar sense of achievement by helping refugees and immigrants improve themselves.

Coming from a remarkably unique background, I firmly believe that I would harmonize along with the diverse student body -honored to contribute to Emory's global identity.

OP OrcadianDander 3 / 9  
Jan 14, 2013   #2
Please can I get some feedback guys. I'll help you with yours!
dumi 1 / 6793  
Jan 14, 2013   #3
You display very good writing skills. It flows smoothly until;

I have always been enthralled by foreign peoples and the science of humanity.

I wish if you said this a bit differently. "Science of humanity" what did you mean by this? Is that "cultural roots" you mean? I like if you re-phrase this line :)

Overall, I think this is a great answer. You have addressed what is required by the prompt and presented your answer very creatively :)
OP OrcadianDander 3 / 9  
Jan 14, 2013   #4
Thanks for your feedback dumi! Really helpful. You are right, that part does kinda break the flow. I was trying to identify my interest in anthropology without directly referring to the subject. I have redrafted that paragraph completely and also developed my introduction (mentioning anthropology, international study and volunteering at the start, to sort of tie the whole thing together). Thanks again for your comments! Don't feel obliged to give me any further help :)

Pls see below;
OP OrcadianDander 3 / 9  
Jan 14, 2013   #5
I need to cut down my essay. Let me know which information you think I could delete without damaging the overall message.
dumi 1 / 6793  
Jan 15, 2013   #6
I guess this gives a good starting point.I wish if you interchanged the first and second paras. You talk about your background and then connect to Emory rather than making a statement at the beginning. I feel this is going to be a great opening for your essay :)

Here you show how you are going to take the advantage of Emory's features & that is exactly what the prompt requests :)


Home / Undergraduate / Cultural diversity / Volunteering Opportunities; Unique qualities of Emory?
Need Writing or Editing Help?
Fill out one of these forms:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳

Academic AI Writer:
Custom AI Writer ◳