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"Curiosity Didn't Kill Me" - Critique on Common App Essay

sonye93 1 / 2  
Oct 30, 2010   #1
Hey guys, I'm new here. My essay was actually a project for English class, my school suggests that all senior teachers use the beginning of the year to help students out with their college essays. My teacher asked that we be specific and include which school we would like to attend, hence the reason why I specified a school in the concluding paragraph. Please excuse that, and critique my essay, thank you!

P.S.-I was trying to steer away from the whole "struggle" and "hey, look I've changed" type essays, lol. I wanted to give the admissions officer a "break" and give 'em a good laugh, while at the same time telling them something not much people know about me. Well...here goes.

Curiosity Didn't Kill Me

All I did was press the button. As a child, I was too young to play outside, so as usual I was set in front of the television. My mom was talking on a corded phone so she was stationed in the dining room, dad was at work, and I...well, I was just sitting, in front of the television that at the time was "hi-tech". It had vivid colors, a wooden laminate finish and amongst its other features, a "big, shiny button". So, as any other child would do, I pushed it. Who would have thought the entire thing, was going to slide and fall on me?

According to my mom, I wasn't crying, I didn't even shed a tear, which was surprising, because I happened to be a professional crybaby. Of all the reactions my mom expected upon rescuing me, the most unexpected happened. I actually smiled, then giggled. Who knows? That accident was probably what sparked my extreme interest for technology.

I have always been the curious type. Computers, gadgets, devices and doo dads, seemed to be a part of another realm of curiosity that just needed to be explored. I refused to accept the common "cool, it's magic" mindset children my age had. I knew it was way more than just magic; there was something inside the smooth and sleek plastic casing of a computer that happened to be its inner workings. I seized the first opportunity that came my way, hoping it'll quench my curiosity. My dad's laptop stopped working due to some hardware issues, which of course meant it was useless, well to him. To me it meant the beginning of a beautiful adventure. It also meant that I got to salvage some parts from my dad's laptop to use in my non-working MacBook. As an avid "DIY-er" (do it yourself-er) projects like this wasn't difficult. I tend to be a handy person.

I started work late at night to make sure no one would be able to bother me. Quickly, I assembled my tools and got to work. I carefully took out the screws and placed them in their spots on a diagram I drew of the laptop earlier. As I took off the casing, I beheld all that was inside. I observed the hard drive; the two ram sticks, the CD drive, heat sink and fan, and last but definitely not least, the motherboard. Instantly, I fell in love. Since then I have been taking apart laptops and other devices. Fixing laptops has actually become one of my hobbies.

Curiosity has been the fuel for many of my other hobbies and adventures. As a school that is recognized for being research-intensive, University at Buffalo is the perfect school for me. My curiosity is the fuel that drives me towards wanting to learn more which in turn leads me to my own research I disguise as adventures. I believe University at Buffalo holds many adventures waiting for me to explore.
mariahjg 1 / 5  
Oct 30, 2010   #2
I actually love it.
I think it's great because I have absolute NO interest in computers/what you do, yet you have still managed to capture and hold my attention. The analogy/anecdote is great, and you don't let it get too carried away and you still give yourself time to wrap up/explain yourself.
OP sonye93 1 / 2  
Oct 30, 2010   #3
^ Thanks, that's what I was trying to do also. Grab the interest of someone that doesn't know much about technology, assuming of course, the admissions officer isn't that tech savvy.
mneale324 4 / 15  
Oct 30, 2010   #4
I loved it as well. You did an excellent job at catching the attention of the reader with your personal story. You also connected it well to what your future goals are. Great job!
captaincrunch 3 / 5  
Oct 30, 2010   #5
i like it, its different from the other one's i've read on here and it definately cpture my attention
i deffinately feel the same about computers and curiosity...but this could be submitted under option 1 on common app: Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.
flemtendo 1 / 4  
Oct 30, 2010   #6
I assume this is for a supplement.

I think it's good, but I'm not sure if I would add the "Buffalo is right for me. Here's why..." part that the end. But then again, it works. And according to pragmatism, whatever works is good, so have at it.

As you have been told to stay away from the "look how I've changed essays," I have been told to not bring up the school. You've got a few grammar problems, but I'm sure your editors will pick them up. Print out the essay and scrutinize it that way. Its much easier than doing it on the computer.

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