Hi everyone! This was an essay I wrote for my UC application. I really liked this, even though it doesn't have that much substance. I'm probably going to use it as a supplemental essay for the Common app but I want to make it stronger. I'd really appreciate it if you can help me with that, and with anything else, of course. Thank you all in advance!!
UC Prompt #2: Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?
"Grandma, I think I'm dying."
It's hard to understand death, let alone accept it, when you're only five years old. I did not expect that consequence at all before I consciously swallowed my first apple seed.
"You're not dying," she assured me.
Not convinced, I urged Grandma to prove it. Thus she introduced me to the children's biology section at the local bookstore. I remember listening to Grandma as she read my first plant book from cover to cover before I finally believed her.
I have always been known as the inquisitive girl with a reputation of taking matters into her own hands.
At times this meant trimming my bangs to the shape of ocean waves or restoring my favorite mechanical pencils back to working condition. Sometimes the results are favorable, other times, not so great. Although I did manage to fix some of my mechanical pencils, my bangs were a lost cause. Shocked that I'd even attempt something so ridiculous, Grandma unforgivingly snipped off most of my bangs. And despite my resentment at going to school with ugly, one-inch bangs, I don't regret having tried to cut my hair in a unique way.
I do not strive to limit myself to do only what others consider acceptable or sensible and I am not easily discouraged. Some people call my behavior disobedient when I question what my elders say. Some call it irrational when I waste time pondering the questions no one can answer. Some call it stubborn when I don't give in without being 100% sure. I disagree. I treasure my characteristics and I have come to appreciate the freedom my family has give me to ask questions.
It's been a while since apple seeds were on my agenda. Now I am wondering, how can we cure psoriasis? What can we do to motivate students to take their education more seriously? How can we improve the quality and efficiency of local transportation? How can we engineer battery-independent, solar laptops?
I know that one day, we will find the answer to all of these questions. But I want to take part in this phenomenon. My love for discovery feeds my hunger.
I love your beginning but the part when you mention your grandmother taking you to the bookstore, I think you should elaborate more on that. As in describe how you felt while she was reading the book to you and its impact to you. Also maybe you can also talk more about your way to the bookstore with your grandmother and how you felt at the time. And somehow end your story with your grandmother finish reading you the story and your feelings then. Also I think the bangs part isn't needed in my opinion. If anything I believe you can write a great story thats mainly about you and your grandmother and have one focus and setting. :)
hey can you read my yale essay and tell me what you think?
Use a comma in a compound sentence:
I do not strive to limit myself to do only what others consider acceptable or sensible, and I am not easily discouraged.
I'm already writing about growing up with my grandparents in my Common app essay so I wasn't sure if I should make 2 essays focused on my grandparents.
Well, it is not necessary to focus much on the grandmother in this essay. It is great the way it is. Gnozi probably suggested elaborating on that part just because it is such an interesting part!! How strange it is to think of a little girls challenging her grandmother to prove that she (the little girl) is not dying. Weird!!
This essay has a lot of good qualities. It has that energy of inspiration...
