Prompt: Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
"You're worthless." "You'll never amount to anything." These are the words my father screamed at me the last time I looked in his eyes. Normally, a daughter would take these words to heart, but to me it was just like any other day. Except this time I decided to take a huge step by leaving his house, making a change that would permanently affect my life for the better. It wasn't because of the constant belittling remarks he made or the lack of love he showed; he had to know that he and his illness were not going to control me any longer. My father is considered "physically disabled", due to his struggles with bipolar disorder and an extreme case of fibromyalgia.
For the majority of my life, even after he and my mom divorced, my dad was the dad everyone in my class wanted, and that I had been so lucky to have. He always had the biggest smile on his face and would always be the one to crack a lot of the jokes. But as years passed, things changed. He changed. He would be in a mood that exclaimed, "I'm on top of the world," and then, suddenly, he would start screaming and throwing things for reasons no one understood. The father that used to play basketball with me everyday without fail was gone. He started sleeping all day and staying awake all through the night. And even if he tried to sleep, I would hear him scream and curse in his dreams, never escaping pain and fear, even with his eyes closed. When we argued, I would instantly agree, admit that I was wrong, and forget about it. If I didn't, then he would say that I would cause him to have a heart attack. I censored my thoughts and allowed him power over my voice.
Amid all this, my life did have a second side. My mother freed me from the mental imprisonment of my father and allowed me to live under her care full time; I was able to express opinions that I never could express before. However, my dad did do something that impacted my life immensely. He led me to believe that all the anger and ignorance that he showed resulted from disappointment. A constant reminder that he was restricted from many things he wanted to accomplish due to his disabilities. Learning that there are many others, like my father, who live their lives in agony has altered the direction I have taken for my career. My father was my main influence in the decision to pursue the field of physical therapy.
To see people in pain will be extremely difficult for me, but after what I've experienced with my father, I know that physical therapy with be the path for me. Every time I looked at my father, I felt helpless. I didn't know what to do; all I wanted was for him not to suffer any longer. I know that it may be too late to help my father, but there are still many people in the world who need help in repairing their disabilities. I'm going to be the one who will help the fallen soldier walk again after he loses his leg in battle. I'm going to be the one who helps the young pitcher throw again at his next baseball game. I'm going to be the one who will help mend dreams of the broken and the suffering. Every time I think of those words that my dad said to me, I will push myself harder, knowing that someday I will help someone to the path of recovery and a brighter future.
Thank you! Please leave feedback! :)
I'd really appreciate if someone would look this over. I seriously want to get into UCSB.
Been my dream since like middle school. I need all the help I can get.
Thank You(:
You had a small grammar error (you repeated a thought in the same sentence) in your third sentence.
- "Normally, a daughter would take these normally take to heart , but to me it was just like any other day."
- Change: "Normally, a daughter would take these normally take to heart, but to me it was just like any other day."
- "It wasn't because of the constant belittling remarks he made or the lack of love he showed." <--This sentence is actually a fragment, I think. I would recommend combining it with the sentence following it. " ...lack of love he showed; he had to know..." etc.
- In this sentence: "my dad has been the dad everyone in my class wanted and that I was so lucky to have" at the beginning of your second paragraph sounds odd because your verbs don't particularly agree, in my opinion. I think you should either say "my dad had been..." and "and that I have been so lucky to have" OR change it to "my dad was..." and "and that I had been..." I would do this because "has been" is technically past tense but says something more like it was a very recent change, which if that's what you're going for it's the better option. The other "he was" and such, says something more like it happened earlier and was not so recent. I would go with the second option because the rest of your paragraph seems to follow that feeling more closely.
-"He would be in that "I'm on top of the world" mood and then suddenly he would stop yelling and screaming and throwing things for reasons no one understood." the part that's highlight, is that supposed to say "he would start yelling"? Because otherwise, it's confusing and you should make it clearer that the "I'm on top of the world" feeling is a bad thing...which doesn't sound right. ;)
- "I would hear him scream and curse in his sleep, never escaping pain and fear, even with his eyes closed." I put a comma in between the two highlighted words.
- I would combine these two sentences: "But my dad did something that impacted my life greatly immensely. He gave me the drive to become a physical therapist." And don't ever start a sentence with "But". Maybe rewrite it like: "My dad did something though that immensely impacted my life: he gave me the drive to become a physical therapist." You cannot put greatly immensely right next to each other, it's just not allowed. Also, I would combine them because the second sentence is like an afterthought explaining how he impacted your life.
- Your last paragraph was so strong! The one thing I would suggest is that you maybe reword the last few words. They just don't feel as strong as the rest of it. Although repeating yourself isn't good, sometimes it can add strength to the sentence if it feels on purpose. Like word that sentence like "knowing that someday I'll help somebody with some part of their life." (I would leave out the gender definition because it just doesn't fit as well.
Fell Free to take or not take anything I have to say. I think your essay is amazingly inspiring by the way, and very well thought through. Great job and good luck!
If there's any chance you'd be willing to look over my essay as well, I'd really, truly appreciate it. It's still in it's very rough phases, but it definitely needs some help. :) And let me know if you have any questions on my last comment. I know it's kind of a lot.
Thank you sooooo much. You were really helpful. It was my first draft and I didn't really expect much.
I'll be sure to look over yours. One question. Do you think it emphasizes the dreams and aspirations part enough? I don't know.
I have one more technical thing:
In one of your last sentences you said "...and that is what makes me strive to be the person who anybody can come to in a time of pain." I don't know if it's actually correct, but it sounds more natural to my ear to change the who to whom which means a slight bit of rearranging.
"and that is what makes me strive to be the person to whom anyone can come in a time of pain." If it were me, I'd also change pain to grief. I don't know if that's the correct way to rewrite it, but that's the direction I would take.
And I do think that you emphasize your aspirations. The story is required to lead up to that. In my opinion at least, you have one of the stronger essays that I've read so far. It's so well written, and emotionally invested. You put yourself out there and show that you have a reason and a drive. I think you did an amazing job. you might try to have a teacher or someone else read it as a second opinion, but I think you did a wonderful job incorporating that. It proved pretty difficult in my opinion, more than I thought it would be at least. You have a lot of heart and it definitely shows in this piece. But I would recommend trying to have a teacher read it, or maybe another adult, with wiser eyes. :) It might be helpful.
I have just two more comments.
First off, I was under the impression that the "I'm on top of the world" mood was a good one. But to me, the word "screamed" has a negative connotation. Were it mine, I might choose another word, not sure what, but something more playful and joyous.
Also, the part where you're talking about him trying to sleep, I am confused about this "And even if he tried," and what it's referring to. Is it referring to if he tried sleeping at night? Or when he was sleeping during the day? You may want to clarify that. And generally, when writing a formal essay, you should not do what I just did and start a sentence with "And."
Just some thoughts. :)
Did you get a chance yet to read over my essay? I'm kind of stuck with how to fix it right now. Either one that I have would be amazing. :)
Yet another draft...
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Prompt: Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
All criticism is appreciated. :)
shmaceroo, I'll read yours right now. (:
Wow. This is so much better than when you first started. You really captured the emotional draw to it. And You definitely answered the prompt, no question. I'm sure you'll get in.
:) Great great job.
Thank you so much. I really appreciate all the help you've given. :)
I'll look at what you post tomorrow and I have to post my second one tomorrow.
Please have a look. I really need this!
it is kind of cliche
Thanks for your criticism... not. How is that supposed to help me at alll?
U need to state ur ambitions in life. U say "To see anyone in pain is extremely difficult for me, and it makes my heart sink to realize what some people are forced to go through each and every day. Frankly, I'm tired of feeling helpless over peoples' injuries, and that is what makes me strive to be the person whom anybody can come to in a time of pain." so do u want to become a doctor? I mean that ur essay is good, u convey ur points very well but the ending, if u want to become a doctor then say so.
Read the last sentence of my second paragraph..
How has this affected you tho? Provide more detail for that but otherwise it was really deep. Best of luck in your essay as well as dealing with your dad.
The only other suggestion I had is that you should give it a little bit more meaning as to what it really means.
I don't think it matters at all if it's a cliche. It's real, and it affects you, nobody cares outside of that.
Maybe, you could write about the effect it had a little more? It's not 100% necessary, but it definitely could make your case stronger. You could maybe get a little more specific about what kind of physical therapist? You could try to expand your last paragraph if you feel the need to edit it. But, at the same time, you're not supposed to know exactly how it affects you right at this moment of your life. Perhaps that's something that you'll find out as you go through school.
Maybe what it really means is that because of him, you feel you have a direction, and maybe that direction isn't 100% thought out or finished yet, but it's a start and it gives you a drive and something to work for. I think that maybe that is all the meaning you need right now. You're only a kid still anyways. :) No need to rush the meaning of life or anything.
Good luck!
Oh and I posted revisions of both my essays, in case you want to look over them at all. I'll check back later to see what you decided to do.
Maybe something like..
"Learning that there are many people like my father who have to live their lives in agony has made me more determined than ever to help them."
It's a little choppy, but I can fix that.
Or?
"Learning that there are others, like my father, who live their lives in agony has made me decide my direction. My father guided me to the field of physical therapy."
For the end of my second paragraph.
I have one comment right now " but after what I've experienced with my father..."
The sentence about wishing for him not to ache any longer is kind of awkward and a little weird to read. Maybe rephrase it somehow more..naturally?
"I know that it may be too late to help my father,..."
Aside from those few grammar things, I think you made it better with that last paragraph. A definite improvement, alot clearer than it was I think. And those examples really help your case too. Much better. :)
Thank you. (:
I fixed those grammar problems and I changed that sentence.
"I didn't know what to do, but all I wanted was for him not to suffer any longer."
Better?
That's better, yes. I would get rid of the but though and make it two sentences combined with a semi-colon where the "but" is. :) But that's just my opinion.
I just have two grammatical things for you. You can use them or not, up to you. :) But very nice work on this. You should be proud.
"My father is considered "physically disabled" (There should be no comma here) due to his struggles with bipolar disorder and an extreme case of fibromyalgia."
"He led me to believe that all the anger and ignorance that he showed resulted from disappointment-- (add a dash here to get rid of this fragment -->) a constant reminder that he was restricted from many things he wanted to accomplish due to his disabilities."
- You had these as two seperate sentences, but the second one is more of a fragment, so I would combine them.
I posted a new essay, check it out if you have time. :)
Could I put a comma were the dash could be? HELP HURRY.
Its good but remember show not tell