"My dad passed away when i was just 11 years old", an application essay.

After a person expeirences a death by a loved one in their life, they feel that they wont be able to move on in life with a positive attitude. My dad passed away when i was just 11 years old, and that is exactly how i felt. i thought, how am i going to grow up with out having my dad in my life, helping guide me through tough decisions i come across? How is this family suppossed to stay strong, miss such a strong member? Well at first, i wasnt really sure.

My mom soon took the role as both mom and dad, trying best to raise my 2 brothers and i. i never seen a person as strong and driven as my mom. she knew she couldnt let her kids see her down, she had to set a positive example, pulling it together for the family. there wasnt a day that went by where i saw my mom mopping around or giving up. she put all her effort into keeping me occupied to help me get throught this loss and keep me happy. i always loked up to my mom in how strong of a person she was. i didnt think she would be able to handle being a single parent, and to please her 3 kids all on her own. but i soon realized everything will be okay. Though it was sad for me seeing all my friends with both parents around, i knew my mom was always going to be there for me just as strong as 2 parents would. my life had to move on, and i knew thats what my dad would want for me and the family.

Now that 8 years have gona by, i have grown older and stronger as a person. My mom has opened my eyes that i should never giveup in life, no matter what the situation is, there is always a way to over come it. i know my dad is looking down on me with a smile on his face watching me grow up, seeing how great the family is doing. Even though he is not physically with me anymore, i know his spirit will always guide me in the right direction. He would be more then proud of me to know, im officially applying to the college, him and i onced talked about. UCF means everything to me, i have tried and will continue to try to be better than the best, to accomplish my goal, like my mom has showed me in raising the best family ever.

I definitely feel your emotions but when writing an essay you should never use numbers you should always spell them out,also some spell checking will help :)

yeah this was just rough draft... butt do u think it is a good application essay..other than spelling?

Your idea is kinda typical. You should have more specific examples, like real specific showing how YOU not other people doing through the hardships. Otherwise, your essay may have a potential chance of losing AOs' attention.

okie thanks so much.. any more advice.. u think i can get into ucf?

Hi there,
This is very moving well done. You can definitely improve with some basic spelling and grammar help. For example, try to start every sentence with a capital letter, and perhaps try to make your structure a bit clearer. Start with a clear introduction setting out the subject of the essay and what you will cover then try to split into new paragraphs for each new idea and keep them separate. Watch out for your punctuation too, as you sometimes put commas where you don't need them or don't put them where you do- try to put them wherever you would naturally pause if you were reading it out. For more advice there is a good website I know focus which has a very useful blog you might find helpful. There are posts on grammar, spelling, improving essay technique and structuring an essay - this might help with several of your problems

Really good luck

anything else beside grammar and structure.. should i add more detail i think it can only be a maximum of 500 words right? and i think i ahve 443

I'm afraid I must agree. I hear from teachers and professors that this kind of topic is cliche. What you can do to make this more personal is what Cuong advised. Right now, when I read this, I feel that you are writing about how you admire your mother rather than the influence of the loss on you. Tell the reader what you deeply felt and how you coped with the loss. By making it more personal, the essay will become more powerful. :)

i am writing how i admire my mom and how she taugh me to get threw everthing...

that so sad, i never knew my father he lefted when iwas a baby..!

Oh... -.- I'm sorry. :\
Well, I still think its a good idea to add more personal statements in there...

Capitalize those letters "I" when it is used as word.

After a person experiences a death by of a loved one in their life, they feel that they won 't be able to move on in life with a positive attitude.

I thought, How am I going to grow up without having my dad in my life, helping guide me through tough decisions I come across?

Here is the way to add a strong thesis statement:
Well at first, i wasn't really sure. (Right after this sentence, add a sentence thast tells the moral of the story, the message of the essay. This is the most important sentence, right here at the end of the first paragraph. Then, start a new paragraph.)

See what I mean? That first paragraph should end in a sentence that sums up the meaning of the essay.

thanks so much ef kevin. yeah i see.. do u think i should add more details to the rest or anything else? because its not supossed to be so long

If i am not wrong, for numbers higher or equal to twenty, you can write it out in numerical forms.
This is a very touching story i would say. It emphasizes on how your mother took over the role of a mother as well as a father. Just a suggestion, if you were to use acronym, you should write down the long form too. E.g National Service (NS)

Yes, that has been the rule in APA style up until this newest edition of APA. Now it is a little different. In the 2010 edition of the APA manual, the number changed from 20 to 10. So write out the numbers ten and below, and use numerals for 11 and above. If I am mistaken about this, someone please correct me! :-)

Hi Paige, details are often good, but they also can encumber the reader's attention. The most important thing to do is add or take away details with the intention of giving the reader a particular EXPERIENCE.

Here is a typo:
Now that eight years have gona gone by, I have grown older and

Paige,

It would have been easier, certainly, if you re-wrote the essay after all of the suggestions and comments were made, as we would be able to see the essay as it stands, corrected. However, I went through each of the corrections and comments (to the best of my ability) and I didn't find anymore reasons to think that there are errors.

However, I would enjoin you to re-work the essay and then re-present it to the forum, and then give us one more chance to have a "look-see." After all, when you re-write it over and over, you will find that there are better ways of stating something. Try re-writing it for us.

Mark

Paige, your writing is good, but you have a few grammar and punctuation errors. Here are a few:

Well at first, I wasn't really sure, until my mother's strength and support, help lead the way.

My mom soon took the role as both mom and dad, trying her best to raise my two brothers and me .

I have never seen a person as strong and driven as my mom.

there wasn't a day that went by where i saw my mom mopping (i think you mean moping )around or giving up.

Hope that helped
Rena