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"My dad said: make good choices" - Brown Supp-Best Advice

kmerry 2 / 4  
Oct 31, 2010   #1
I am applying early decision and it's due tomorrow, and my essay still isn't finished.
I chose the prompt asking about the best piece of advice I've ever received
this is what I have so far:

When I think of my dad many things come to mind, including his most common words of wisdom: "make good choices". His advice may seem trivial, but it is truly the best I have ever received.

Whenever my dad says this gem of a phrase he has a smile on his face and often a comical voice. His lightheartedness makes it easier to take his words to heart; he isn't telling me that there is a right and a wrong choice to make, just a good one. He knows that my criteria for a good choice may be different than his, and that sometimes he won't agree with my "good" choices. Still, he has continued to let me make my own decisions and I think this is because he knows I take his advice seriously.

All the choices I have made have been good ones, maybe not by everyone's standards but definitely by mine. My dad's belief in my ability to make positive decisions has influenced me in a way that I think he hoped for, but didn't expect. I make all of my choices with confidence knowing that they will not be regretted later, and make sure that the only person to influence my decision is me. My dad's advice has saved me from making potentially very bad decisions: choosing that one boy, picking that one class, and dying that one part of my hair blue.

I know it's not very strong and I just can't think of what else to write. Any criticisms on whats already there or ideas on what I could do to make it stronger/longer would be greatly appreciated!!
littlechef 10 / 33  
Oct 31, 2010   #2
he has a smile on his face and often a comical voice --> he wears a smile accompanied by a comical voice.

- Maybe use more academic language - "my dad" - "my father" (the former is repetitive throughout your writing)

To lengthen your piece, perhaps you can give examples where your father's advice helped you. In these instances, how and why? What are the good choices you are talking about? And most of all, what significant influence has he provided to you besides giving you these "words of wisdom"? Be specific
OP kmerry 2 / 4  
Oct 31, 2010   #3
Wow "my dad" is really repetitive, I'll definitely try to fix that! And I've got an example in mind, now I just have to work it in there.

Thanks!! (:
OP kmerry 2 / 4  
Oct 31, 2010   #4
I try to edit it and things just don't work out..so I guess I'm just going to have to start all over. Essays really are the worst part of applying!
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Nov 10, 2010   #5
I know the deadline passed, but I'll take this opportunity to show an important technique: Transplanting a Word.

In the beginning, you have a good opportunity to learn about the way to transplant a word. Take out "things" and replace it with a stronger word. You'll see that the sentence still remains the same as it was basically, but the new player on the team makes it stronger. How about the word "images" or the word "ideas"...


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