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The day I was born, my parents immediately had tremendous aspirations for me - UC Application



loopywaffle 1 / -  
Nov 29, 2015   #1
How has your world shaped your dreams and aspirations? UC Application

February fourteenth, nineteen ninety eight, the day I was born, my parents immediately had tremendous aspirations for me. Though they did not know anything about me, they did not doubt for a second that I would grow up anything short of what they expected because they knew that they would give me everything I need to live a successful life. Throughout my years of childhood, I was not exactly like the other kids. Most kids learn the cause and effect of things, a toaster toasts, a refrigerator makes things cold, but unlike other kids I was more interested in why a toaster toasted, and how a refrigerator made things cold. From first grade to third grade I repeatedly checked a book out of the school library that was full of technological experiments. In the first grade I learned how to create a battery from pennies, a super-magnet from a wire plugged into an outlet and a screwdriver, and much more. I was amazed at the things that I could create with simple at home items. I spent countless hours taking things apart like radios, phones, controllers, and putting them back together to try and get an understanding of how they worked. Growing up in the age of the internet I was influenced by what I could learn online. It was the internet where I found myself spending most of my time, I was fascinated by the vast information that could be accessed with the click of a button. In the seventh grade my parents bought me my own laptop and I was ecstatic. The first thing that I did with my laptop was create an online server for a popular indi-game called Minecraft. It was not a big game at the time but I was fascinated by the style of the game. As the popularity of the game grew as did my server that I operated on a daily basis off of my laptop. I eventually set up a donation system to bring in revenue from the server which I saved up to buy parts for a PC to build my first desktop. The day I finally finished the PC I showed it to my parents and they were astonished that I had built my own computer. It was on this computer that I learned to code simple games in Java to show to my friends at school. My dreams have always been to work with technology, and growing up with the internet and any information at my fingertips has made the learning experience much easier.

Marlyk 3 / 2  
Nov 29, 2015   #2
It's okay to but the numeric numbers for birthdays!
Ssakshijain 28 / 129  
Nov 29, 2015   #3
Hi Parker,

I learned through feedback on my essays that we should try to avoid mentioning the word "things" in formal essays. In your essay I read this word at multiple places. So if you could replace the word with more influential words, that will be a persuasive essay in my opinion because your writing is good already. I have tried to explain with one example here from your essay:

Most kids learn the cause and effect of thingsmachines/appliances , a toaster toasts, a refrigerator makes thingsfood items cold, but unlike other kids I was more interested in why a toaster toasted, and how a refrigerator made thingsfood cold.
Silotolis 1 / 3  
Nov 29, 2015   #4
Also change where it says: "... was more interested in why a toaster toasted"

To: ".. was more interested in how a toaster toasted"

A toaster toasts because you put bread in it and turn it on.
justivy03 - / 2265  
Nov 30, 2015   #5
Parker, as I finish reading your essay, I conclude that you did a good job in responding to the prompt,
Precise, direct to the point and just enough level of information that is right for what the prompt is asking for.

Now, does your essay need enhancement?, yes it does.
I believe you can do better with cutting down a few sentences that tells about your childhood, keep
it as a background and leave it like that, then add a few more sentences about the transition that you have
in learning technology and the use of PC or desktops back then and how this fueled your goals
for the future.

Keep the essay as it is, short and simple, just a few revision as I mentioned earlier, I hope to see your
revised essay soon.


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